A WARM BREATH AGAINST THE FOOT

• One night while sleeping in my bed, I experienced a barely perceptible warmth against the sole of my foot. A humid heat. It was so small, that I was not sure it really was so. A small, little warm breath that puffed on my foot.
• It was my little puppy. And my puppy is a very small puppy because he is a papillon. A little strange animal. I'm still puzzled that he's part of my pack. My flock has shrunk tremendously, but it has many legs, ten to be exact. This little breathless breath, a small living being that breathes. The whole world is full of little living beings that breathe.
• I do not understand that he is a dog. To me, dogs have a different kind of appearance. They are long-legged, large, they are powerful, muscular. This little life looks like he really belongs in the forest, and lives in a hollow stump and if you are lucky you can see his little lively alert face sticking out, but quickly disappear again.
• That's what he looks like. Such a small and incredibly nimble body. And the soft fur. I have never had a dog with such fur, like a fluffy little stuffed animal. My dogs have had rough water-repellent fur or like the big dog who is the little dog's skeptical big brother ( he had no idea that was what life had in store for him, he of course wanted to be alone on the plot ) Fur: dense and curly. but this, long sweeping smooth lashes. And the tiny little paws. Like a little cat.
• And the barking?
• I really have not considered small dog creatures of this breed as dogs before, but as some kind of guinea pig with too long legs. And I've been thinking; but why do they not raise their puppies? Why are they barking?
• Now I know they are alarm dogs. They are going to ALARM. It is built into them to tell when something is not quite as they think it should be. But you can of course teach them that a lot of things are actually part of reality, like the spirit of dogs and people in wheelchairs.
• But to be part of it; the little warm breath against the foot of the hole in the middle of the night.

How did the little doggy come to me? Ja, it was on strange roads, but I think they were right that he should come. What my big dog thinks seems to vary and it is not easy to divide his graces into two. Sometimes I am met by four questioning eyes: They seem to say ;” Why are you so bored? When are we going to do something fun?”

Is it calming or stressful to have a dog, may wonder. Now it is as it is, and we go for long walks in nature and much more than that I do not really seem to be able to. It annoys me. I tend to be energetic and get things done. It is not happening now.

My great tiredness is finally being investigated by doctors. I finally turned away from my health center with the handsome name DIN VÅRDCENTRAL, because they have neglected some things. They have my diagnosis which is PTSD ( Posttraumatic stressyndrome ) after the ugly advance of the destroyer and I have been talking there for five years. She has been kind and supportive but so much has not happened. And I have sought care for my heart, for my stomach, for my fatigue. Ingen, me neither, has linked pain in the heart, stomach ache, insomnia with the diagnosis I have PTSD. They have given me sleeping pills and antidepressants, even though they can stare at my journal with TWO PTSD in!

In the end I went to the Mall and the health center there, GET. I mentioned to my doctor that I do NOT think my enormous fatigue is due to the psychopath's progress – because I think I'm DONE with it and I've rested a lot ! – but I simply think I'm sick. I've had cancer. She did something that surprised me unbelievably. She caught me, though I did not know myself that this was what I needed. She lingered on what I had just thrown out of me, as unimportant and over, that is, the psychopath's intrusion into my life. She asked if I had been diagnosed with PTSD. Ja, I already got it 2014 when I sought out the psyche for help with everything that had happened to me and how I would deal with it. Then I got it again at YOUR CARE CENTER.

”And no one has offered you trauma therapy, or ascertained if that is what you should have?”

”Nej”, I replied absolutely stunned. Would I even speak for such a thing?

She decided to take all the samples on me, especially considering my medical history, and it was done immediately. This is to rule out that there is something physically wrong that causes the endless boring fatigue. Then I was referred to various other surveys to do a proper review of certain things. I was perfect ” blown away” kan man säga, of being taken so seriously and of the fact that the care really wanted to get to the bottom of this. Only THAT gave me new energy. I do not have to go and think that I have an incurable disease. Soon I will find out and so far all the samples taken are amazingly super perfect. So why the fatigue?

Already at the first meeting she gave me an appointment with one of Krys reputable psychologists to find out if I need trauma therapy. Whatever it is. But in any case, it's more real than sitting in an armchair and talking without actually getting anywhere and not really getting any tools either., just kindness, which is not a shame in itself, and a room to cry in. But you want to move on and take on your strengths!

In SVD a few days ago, it was about the cash care of the human psyche in our country. And for example, the absurdity that you only get a certain number of calls – and that it can even worsen people's condition. Självklart, if you have to finish in the middle of an important and painful process that has begun. It is like telling the patient that he only gets a certain number of surgeries so he has to hurry to heal properly, preferably at the first operation.

I know many young people who have been waiting for years to get good treatment. Who have even had to wait this year to get to BUP and there they have not been treated in a constructive and adequate way, but has, with the help of strong parents, been able to apply further. Those who can afford it can also pay for private help and perhaps receive the care they need. Is it reasonable? What does this poor care cost our society? It must cost huge sums and enormous suffering. We already know that.

I myself am a pretty strong person, I have endured a lot and I continue , but I had needed more concrete help to be able to recapture my resources. I will certainly get things on the right keel, I've come a long way, but also think that trauma therapy could be good. We'll see. But it is heartbreaking and morally outrageous to have a rich society like ours, who boasts of being enlightened and conscious and humanistic, is so wasteful on this very part of what it is to be human / citizens. The soul!

The soul and the teeth, kan man säga. If you can afford it, you can get help with both of them. We can add the eyes!

Before I came to my doctor at KRY, I had CBT online with a psychologist – also via Kry. And it helped me, it gave me tools, it motivated me and it was so good to talk to her once a week and follow up on how I succeeded with my intentions, and what I thought and what I dreamed at night and what I wanted. But maybe that's not enough in my case, after all that has been. However, it was a MUCH better help, though it went via screen, than all the hours I sat in the dark room of the kind therapist at your health center. I wonder a little… it may be that they refrained from recommending to me what I needed at your health center? It is owned by its staff, and they need the patients they can get to make a profit and if someone goes there year in and year out once a week, that's exactly what they want. (I received an unlimited number of calls ) But if they had recommended me trauma therapy based on my diagnosis of PTSD, I would have left them, because they can not offer it. Could it be so? How nasty in that case, as well as nasty in passing, because they may not think so ACTIVELY. But they have no ACTIVE interest in getting rid of a secure client either, by recommending human trauma therapy, as long as it sticks together something like that.

There is a lot to think about. I'm telling you this, because it is adequate. It is important to know that people who have been exposed to evil things do not just get together when it's over and recapture everything.. It may look like that, but it takes its time. And that's part of the crime. That victims of various kinds of abuse often have to fight for many years , maybe his whole life, after they have been exposed. (It reminds me of the important thing in Maria Sveland's and Cissi Wallin's documentary that will be on SVT on 28 oktober. )

Men… where I started…the little beast that sleeps at my feet at night. To feel a warm little breath of breath against his foot, while flying between your dreams, is so peaceful and … marvelous… that just the thought of it makes a wounded soul smile.