September

It's getting close to midnight. The candles are lit on the table. The teapot is almost empty, and the red currant pie with melted marshmallows, which resemble killer slugs, is eaten. Fortunately, there were no killer slugs and no one could be fooled either. The pantries must be emptied, everything is eaten, even the children's forgotten marshmallows. On each side of me the dogs sleep, the one with all the legs in the air, the other sprawled pleasurably on cushions with his nose pierced between his paws.

The darkness came suddenly. It didn't seem to come at all this year. We waited earlier in August but the sky was bright, yes actually yellow above the sea, late at night. But suddenly without us noticing, the days had passed and the windows had to be closed in the evening.

The most wonderful summer in a long time- not in the world, but for some of the people, including me – is almost over for this year. The garden is secretly preparing to start approaching winter rest.

I have sat under the cloudberry tree and scratched dry leaves from sawn branches. I enjoy that. It was a big pile.

Tomorrow I will run over them and some twigs with my superb lawnmower. It was way too expensive but I'm good at tricking the pennies . not so good at trolling with the knees. Then I've arranged a nourishing blanket for those who are growing, and which will soon rest and gather strength for next spring. Tänk. Rest and gather strength for next year! Until next time there will be light and warmth and summer. How beautiful it is with seasons, with the rhythm of nature, with the circuit, so whimsical.

I participate a little in it, when I bring back what has grown in the garden and which I have tended and cut down . I'm trying to do like mother nature and make winter blankets. I like that.

I'm not even going to throw away the skinny twigs, but I will use that to warm myself. They should burn nicely, perfect to light with.

You have to have warmth when the darkness and cold come.

And glow. That's how it is under the stars.

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Electrodes on the chest

Hey all,

Electrodes on the chest. Electrodes on the chest / Electrodes on the chest. Electrodes on the chest. Electrodes on the chest, Electrodes on the chest, Electrodes on the chest” jag har inte tid, Electrodes on the chest”

Electrodes on the chest- Electrodes on the chest. Electrodes on the chest – the feeling of imminent doom has not really been able to ebb out and be passed on to the past precisely because of the money I do not have as a security.

the feeling of imminent doom has not really been able to ebb out and be passed on to the past precisely because of the money I do not have as a security, the feeling of imminent doom has not really been able to ebb out and be passed on to the past precisely because of the money I do not have as a security. the feeling of imminent doom has not really been able to ebb out and be passed on to the past precisely because of the money I do not have as a security. the feeling of imminent doom has not really been able to ebb out and be passed on to the past precisely because of the money I do not have as a security.

the feeling of imminent doom has not really been able to ebb out and be passed on to the past precisely because of the money I do not have as a security. the feeling of imminent doom has not really been able to ebb out and be passed on to the past precisely because of the money I do not have as a security, the feeling of imminent doom has not really been able to ebb out and be passed on to the past precisely because of the money I do not have as a security. the feeling of imminent doom has not really been able to ebb out and be passed on to the past precisely because of the money I do not have as a security – until he found some peace in me ( until he found some peace in me ) until he found some peace in me, until he found some peace in me. Dessutom , until he found some peace in me- until he found some peace in me. until he found some peace in me, until he found some peace in me – until he found some peace in me, until he found some peace in me. until he found some peace in me!

I remember when he managed to get an entire heart team to pull out because he seemed to have a heart attack in my living room. I remember when he managed to get an entire heart team to pull out because he seemed to have a heart attack in my living room, I remember when he managed to get an entire heart team to pull out because he seemed to have a heart attack in my living room, I remember when he managed to get an entire heart team to pull out because he seemed to have a heart attack in my living room. I remember when he managed to get an entire heart team to pull out because he seemed to have a heart attack in my living room. I remember when he managed to get an entire heart team to pull out because he seemed to have a heart attack in my living room,I remember when he managed to get an entire heart team to pull out because he seemed to have a heart attack in my living room. I remember when he managed to get an entire heart team to pull out because he seemed to have a heart attack in my living room. I remember when he managed to get an entire heart team to pull out because he seemed to have a heart attack in my living room. I remember when he managed to get an entire heart team to pull out because he seemed to have a heart attack in my living room. I remember being in the ambulance at that moment – I remember being in the ambulance at that moment – I remember being in the ambulance at that moment. I remember being in the ambulance at that moment, I remember being in the ambulance at that moment, I remember being in the ambulance at that moment. I remember being in the ambulance at that moment, I remember being in the ambulance at that moment. I remember being in the ambulance at that moment, I remember being in the ambulance at that moment, I remember being in the ambulance at that moment. I remember being in the ambulance at that moment, I remember being in the ambulance at that moment. I remember being in the ambulance at that moment. I remember being in the ambulance at that moment ” sanningarna ” I remember being in the ambulance at that moment, exhausting or threatening ways.

exhausting or threatening ways. exhausting or threatening ways. exhausting or threatening ways. exhausting or threatening ways – exhausting or threatening ways, exhausting or threatening ways. exhausting or threatening ways. exhausting or threatening ways. exhausting or threatening ways. exhausting or threatening ways, exhausting or threatening ways, exhausting or threatening ways. ”exhausting or threatening ways!” exhausting or threatening ways. exhausting or threatening ways, exhausting or threatening ways.

What I did not know then, What I did not know then. What I did not know then, What I did not know then. What I did not know then. What I did not know then. What I did not know then. What I did not know then. What I did not know then. What I did not know then. What I did not know then. What I did not know then, What I did not know then – What I did not know then. What I did not know then. What I did not know then? No one I had known until now in my life anyway.

No one I had known until now in my life anyway. No one I had known until now in my life anyway – No one I had known until now in my life anyway. No one I had known until now in my life anyway – No one I had known until now in my life anyway. No one I had known until now in my life anyway ” our home for our future”…? our home for our future, our home for our future? our home for our future, our home for our future. our home for our future. our home for our future. our home for our future.

our home for our future ( our home for our future) our home for our future, our home for our future. our home for our future ” our home for our future ” our home for our future , our home for our future / our home for our future. our home for our future. Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament.

Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament. Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament. Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament: Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament, Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament ( Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament) Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament. Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament. Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament, Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament.

Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament.

Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament”Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament” Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament. Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament. Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament. Those who were his friends and lovers took large quick loans to help him out of the acute predicament ” Anna ”. In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others – In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others – In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others. In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others. In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others. In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others, In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others. In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others ” In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others” – In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others. In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others. In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others, In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others. In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others – Så är det inte. In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others. In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others. In those scenes, it is very well portrayed how a psychopathic person treats others. That's probably what he's doing now, by the way, That's probably what he's doing now, by the way.

That's probably what he's doing now, by the way. That's probably what he's doing now, by the way, That's probably what he's doing now, by the way, That's probably what he's doing now, by the way, That's probably what he's doing now, by the way.

That's probably what he's doing now, by the way. That's probably what he's doing now, by the way, That's probably what he's doing now, by the way, That's probably what he's doing now, by the way. That's probably what he's doing now, by the way.

That's probably what he's doing now, by the way. That's probably what he's doing now, by the way.

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Sunday calm

The children play rosy and star-eyed on the winter slopes. Along the quiet streets are rows of snowmen, snow dogs, snow squirrels and snow lanterns. The adults are involved.

It's so fun to watch. The children and the parents, the joy in the eyes. And the warm lights in the windows. I'm so glad I ended up here after the devastation, where I am, where life is expressed in a completely different way than in the middle of the city, at Medborgarplatsen, where I lived.

It's not beautiful there, rather ugly. People do not look at each other, they have agitation in their eyes and seem to struggle with the minutes. That's not the case here. Here people nod kindly to each other, ler, small talk, stays here and there. The children are playing. What is life ? What's worth something – egentligen – in life?

Strange, but I would never have come here without the destruction. Something new and different came out of it. An invitation to the forest, fåglarna, the scents – to a quiet and friendly life. Maybe a little boring, but calm and friendly. And the excitement and the movement, the city's energy is less than half an hour away. It's amazing. I desperately tried to get out of here for several years. No longer.

You have to see things in perspective. And you still know nothing about how it could have been otherwise.

Tonight I could not sleep. Så är det ofta. But I never think about misery. I stopped doing that many years ago. What keeps me going and keeps me awake are fun things I want to do. Sometimes I have thought that it is creativity that is my savior, it is the one that allows me to still always find something exciting, something that makes body and soul happy. But it's not that simple. There are many examples of creative people who are unable to move on. The secret is another. I do not know all the secrets that help, but I'm pretty sure that a strong reason why people are able to get through all the different difficult challenges life presents us with, is the ability to be grateful.

It sounds almost a bit religious, but that's not at all what I mean. I have with me two mottos from my mother. ”Drop it!” och ” Count your blessings!” They are very useful. And in recent years, I have finally learned to practice ” DROP IT!” – också.

I ordered a sewing machine that was on a midday sale. It is lime green and very simple. I hated needlework at school, just because our teacher was so bad. The needle in the sewing machines always came off when I sewed. I could never learn to wood, because I did not dare to ask properly, because she towered over us who were bad at that with her long body and an expression of contempt and impatience in her face high up there. She did not like children. The other class had a kind craftswoman, who affirmed the children's own embroidery motifs. This aunt did not. And the gloves you had to knit became small and rock hard because I had so much hand sweat when I knitted. Everything we had to perform I had to smuggle home so that my mother could do it again. In high school, I dropped out of sewing, took the subway to the other side of town and softened up with my big brothers who lived in a collective and drank tea and listened to music.

Men nu! A sewing machine.

When the children were small, I became obsessed with sewing, of trying to understand how clothes really fit together. Then I lay awake at night thinking about how to actually sew sleeves to a garment. Easy for those who can. I created freely, pants, vests, skirts for the kids and even a bathrobe with a hood. Then the needles went off again. Hela tiden. And the mess could not be sorted out.

Now I have sat and sewn seams by hand, and felt like a painting from old times and it has been very sad, for at the same time the desire to create something new has arisen. There is so much you can do ! Sew on clothes, sew clothes from old curtains and tablecloths, se tehuvor, dishcloths, even COFFEE FILTER!

All night I cut different fabrics and tried to assemble into new things in my head.

Life is not enough! There is so much you want to do! So much heaven you want to invent in all simplicity, plus all the OTHER things that are not cozy chores AND then all the other things like going on adventures! Why do not have time?

Maybe because you stare down at the cell phone!?

I'm glad I grew up without the internet and cell phones. I KNOW deep into the marrow what it is like to be lost in something – something simple and opretto – only for oneself and not to show off to the world – I know what it's like to immerse yourself in something that catches one without being disturbed by any mobile, or social media that grabs attention and triggers even constant social curiosity.

Allt det, which is …. fundamentally I think. To feel good. To be grounded. To breathe well. To have time to ponder. To have time to be grateful and to see. To remember. To plan. To gather. To feel how much you love and live and can in all simplicity. To play.

Like all the children playing on the slopes, rose-cheeked and star-eyed, who with happy open faces drag their sledges to the hill where they meet, just to play until darkness falls.

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Some old article about sex that appeared… I laugh.

Hey all,

I have recently received some emails and other things from various men that refer to something I have written that I do not really know about, but it's certainly about sex.

I know an old article I wrote on commission ( it is always on assignment such is written, at least by me ) by Magazine M or Amelia, now available to read on the web. It's about six things you never dared to ask about sex or anything like that. I think it was written for ten – fifteen years ago and since sex always attracts and the editors thought it was good, it has been reused – and is the most read article on Magasin M's website.

But there is another text as well, which I do not know about, who is moving right now and who makes men write things to me. It's quite a lot about the fact that I'm apparently bitter about men and have bad experiences on the erotic level and that I should either go to hell or try their unbeatable ability. I sometimes get to know some details as well. It makes me laugh a little to myself.

Firstly; they think that the articles that appear in all kinds of magazines are written based on the writer's privacy? They do not understand that articles are written on behalf of editors – admittedly in consultation with the selected writer? That I have been selected to write about erotica several times is a remnant of my first adult novel ” Leontines längtan ” that came 2004 . It has erotic elements and was described at the time as ” tantsnusk” only because there was a woman on 44 years who had written some erotic scenes in his story. After these attempts to describe a general human experience on a sensual, female way, I have many times been hired in different contexts to write something that has erotic tones.

For a period of my life, I also had an almost uncontrollable desire to tease the large mass of ordinary middle-aged Swedish men, who think they are equal in a decent way, but which to such an extent are copies of previous generations of men, if you scratch the surface. However, very complacent, in the notion that they are obviously the best. This may not apply to men who are in 45 age TODAY but it was very much for those who were at the peak of life for 15 years ago. Honestly, I laughed to myself when I wrote things I knew provoked men. By the way, I thought it was fun to tease middle-aged women about the issue as well.

Not so long ago I wrote something about my blog ( maybe ten years ago though ) middle-aged men's need for young women in bed or whatever. It irritates many. And is very read. And I have written that men in general are bad lovers. That's hardly news? They have been a pure tradition for a long time? The female body is complicated, or not really, but whoever approaches it must have some curiosity with him. Many men lack that curiosity and that does not only apply in bed! I think women are curious in a completely different way than men and until they die. Of course it is to some extent prejudiced to say so but I think it fits quite well with reality – trots allt! 🙂

I do not really know why but at the moment I get some propaganda a week regarding my supposed sex life, from men. So they think I'm disappointed with men. Men! Would I – if I were- trumpet it out loud??? VA??? About my own privacy??? VA???

Aldrig i livet! The reason I can write about this is that I am lucky not to be disappointed in my men. Really not. I have a lot to look forward to. It's weird, det där; that just because someone writes about a general phenomenon ( which is really not news ) so some believe that the writer is talking about himself!? That's a concern.

Förresten, when I wrote Glappet, it seemed that especially male journalists were completely amazed

”But why did you write this? You're good-looking!”

As if the whole discussion about the demand for women as stylish objects for men's eyes, would not touch a woman who had ” the tour ” to fall within the scope of what is considered to be ” attractive” in a patriarchal society driven by cynical commercialism?

The same thing happened to the Destroyer. Journalists that I respect said on several different occasions ”But you are intelligent! You are pretty! You are successful! You are love! If only you were stupid, ugly and lonely! These are the kind of people you think happen badly!”

Something is very ill-considered here, in many, as it turns out. The comment above did not come from a man, märk väl. It was completely spontaneous. Of course, the reaction is also a consequence of the myths that continue to protect psychopaths; that is, they are drawn to the weakest. The same ignorance as the idea that ” good looking ” women would not suffer from a society that heartlessly demands female beauty.

I could write The Destroyer because I'm a strong woman. I could write Glappet because I am a strong woman. I can write that men are bad lovers because I myself have good experiences. I can write anything, because I'm a writer – above all. Author understands before. We see. We formulate what we see , which others for various reasons do not have the opportunity to formulate – or see. It is part of our mission in life. Sometimes it is superficially and commercially packaged, sometimes not.

Alltså, to be a writing person is to constantly be confused with other people's ideas about who writes and why it writes. Can one not understand that the writing is reflections on the common reality? That the person who writes is like a painting artist, or a dancer, or a musician. We capture some of the reality in our web of words, we sometimes manage to get hold of something important and we try to describe it. Words are our art. I sometimes feel shackled by other people's narrow understanding of what words are – seen from my side, as sender.

Wondering about the painting artist, which perhaps describes a situation of distance between man and woman, an intimate situation that everyone can interpret in the same way as my words really, if she / he also receives a lot of letters from unknown men who feel compelled to either ask one to go to hell with his ” bitterness ” or offer their sexual services? I think when it comes to the painted or dancing art , you see that it is a fragment, reflections, caught in an expression. But as a writer, you should always be responsible for everything. Personally.

Therefore, diaries are dangerous. You should NOT read other people's diaries! Everything that is written down has such a convincing power. It is not possible to say ”But I was just thinking about this… ” when even one reads something … catastrophic… which one has written down only to be able to view, reflect, try and understand something. You can not see the magic, the fleetingness of what is printed in a diary; that will be the truth.

Some developments in my text, as usual but this is my wardrobe! I do not correct much, here. I chat! Corrects and follows a line I get to do at work. I actually have no desire for that here. So I must blame myself.

Suck, at least I get TIRED when unknown people confuse me with something I have written. The destroyer is, of course, one thing, but of course it is not a picture of my true life either, the true man i. How could you get it down in a book? In a text you have to decide on a line.

I'll let that happen, pretty much, in these blogs. But you get it, will?

Slutsats; words are very complicated to deal with. And everything is still there after one. You would simply have done something else!

Good continuation of the new year!

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Soon Christmas is here..

Hey all,

now it will soon be too much to think about but I wish everyone – nej, just the kind-hearted – a merry and joyful Christmas.

Joyful is a wonderful word!

I myself am going on an adventure with the whole gang, including a four-legged little creature 8 months. We will see if we succeed with our intentions – and if we then also succeed in getting back home in a tidy manner.

In the meantime, I will not write anything, but will return with new healthy touches after New Year.

So I take the opportunity to wish you all a happy new year as well!

Best regards

Christina

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Vanity, aging and that…

Everyone has probably read about some of our influential people, in this way powerful women who mourn their lost beauty, and that men no longer regard them with the same blazing zeal as before.

I'm worried about this. It's a shame they've aired it openly. One thing is well to discuss the demand for female beauty and the bizarre in that women ” does not count ” och ” not visible ” (if they do not capture men's immediate sexual interest, nor do female get reactions to her appearance) as they get older – that women who already have difficulty asserting themselves because of their gender, after a certain age is considered to be even more difficult to be considered a person with pondus. It can be analyzed and reflected on and also questioned the substance in, but that yourself, as an influential woman publicly complaining that one has aged and is not doing as well in the picture, or can use their pleasures to secure space, är…. sad.

These are women that others admire. Women that women admire. Women as young women, as well as older women admire. Something falls flat to the ground. It's getting pretty crappy.

Dock. Vanity is not a negative trait. It is something man brings with him, one of her colors on the palette that is human creation – and joy in living and wanting to celebrate the beautiful and beautiful that life is. We should be grateful for the vanity. (It means that we take care of our hygiene, inte minst. ) You should not be ashamed of your vanity or your longing for beauty. It is found in all cultures and times, but to let oneself be chained by ” the male gaze” – or perhaps rather our culture's commercial view of our personal revelation in the world, is what everyone knows, painful, tragic, hopeless, a waste of energy and well-being. Many have been surprised by the lamentation of these influential women. Many have been disappointed, really disappointed with this bare, sad lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.

Men age too. They also have a harder time aging beautifully, if we are going to nag about it. But as we know, women are attracted to men because of their power, their influence, their potential talent, so it should not be a problem purely in terms of confirmation that they mostly become incredibly less beautiful as older than as young. Detta, to continue to be considered sexually acceptable and to continue to be able to make a smashing impression to manipulate, is thus only a problem for women.

But why openly keep up with this and ”admit ” his pain – as a woman – over not being able to use their appearance as before , for confirmation, for opportunities? Then I perceive this public pain as an acceptance of the shit order and that you yourself have de facto contributed, with satisfaction, to carry it up. I think that women in general and not least young and growing women would rather see these influential people, powerful women age – with dignity. With a stable sense of self-respect. There is always beauty in it. Alltid.

Its sad. In addition, they can fix themselves if it considers it so crucial. It makes people completely open, post on social media and praise for it. )Now that everyone knows that they want to be a little prettier, they can do it without people raising their eyebrows – on the contrary, they may receive tributes!)

I wrote the TV series GLAPPET a long time ago. It is partly about these issues and what this does to us. I had been thinking about it for a very long time. For my part, I felt trapped in the package everyone else saw, my exterior, since I was in my teens. The starting shot for GLAPPET occurred when I was 16 years and went to high school on Lidingö. I always had, since childhood, been a brooding girl, very reflective and no one goes in herd. One day I wrote an article to the school newspaper that the well-to-do schoolmates had not been able to get to school when it was a theme day about alcoholism. Only a handful of students were there. It provoked me, my schoolmates' lack of interest and indifference to the world outside the safe island. The principal and other adults thanked me. My schoolmates, who only saw the package of me and had an idea of ​​who I was because I was cute, blonde and attractive, came up to me and said things like ” is it really you who wrote it? Is not your brother?” och ” I NEVER thought you were really thinking!”

It shocked me. Deep. So I lived in a huge gap between who I was and who I was interpreted to be only based on my ” skönhet ” . Min ” skönhet ” also made it tricky with all the relationships with other girls, except my best friends. I was exposed to quite a lot of shit just because I was so called ” vacker ”, both from other girls, curious guys and horny teachers. I have encountered a lot of disloyalty among girls, what is classified as ”envy ” one in some years ( high school, teens mainly maybe) blind aggression that is not to be played with. And that in the company of girls is often forced to be aware that I was considered beautiful and therefore could not be myself, but must quickly signal some humility in order not to be viewed negatively, lasted until I was about 30 years and became a mother. After that, it was no longer as tricky with women's relationships, for which I was extremely grateful! But after I divorced and became a single woman, the problems arose again and I was perceived as a threat- though I have far from been a threat to any other woman. Ja, sure, beauty gives a lot of plus, också- a lot of pluses that I probably do not even reflect on, because I have not experienced anything else. Men…jag vet inte, not being a projection surface for others' prejudices may also be quite positive.

For how wonderful it is not to be able to move anywhere as a free and invisible human being without attracting men's attention and women's resistance? Not being able to have a cup of tea in a café, do not sit on a train alone, not being able to go to the movies alone, not being able to walk through a room without being forced to become aware of all men's gazes, or on sidewalks and into shops? To constantly think about what you are wearing so as not to further signal something that you are not looking for, while others may have tank tops and shorts and sleek dresses, without anyone , neither woman nor man, comment on it? And having to deal with jealous partners who think you are who you are because you constantly REQUIRE confirmation from the opposite sex, though the only thing one is is to be normally nice, if even that? Eller… as said, just walked through a room in a red dress. It's not fun to worry about your partner, as other men's eyes glide over one.

Why it's all about us and what we do and are? Men then – and their ideas about us?

I do not suffer from losing my beauty, not very much. I think it's great to be able to walk around the world without feeling like I'm there to decorate it or evoke the dreams of passers-by. I think it's great to avoid being pulled in by all sorts of men who want to entice me to admire them so that they can get me to bed. Now I could even go out and dance myself probably without having to tell the doorman to stop anyone trying to get out at the same time as me, so that no one will be able to follow me; as it has been only a few years ago. Is it something fun? Inte. Ack, inte!

And why is it not enough that the man / partners you have by your side think you are beautiful? I do not understand, but I, on the other hand, have been spoiled at this point.

Of course, it's sad to see how the face collapses and strange lines appear. But it's fascinating at the same time! That's life! All ages are on the face!

But with that said, I do not want to hide under a chair because I am, of course, vain. I do not think anyone wants an ugly and unfavorable image of one to be printed in the newspaper. Everyone wants to be nice in the picture. I can also undo small howls when I see how I change. And I can see my aged mother in me. It is a sign that everything is right , on the other hand. The families come and go!

The rhythm of life is beautiful. We can like that about everything and everyone else. The rhythm of the trees. And always the adorable baby animals and the adorable buds and the sheer hopeful light of spring!

Om och om igen, they come. The adorable kids, the beautiful beautiful young animals. Så är det bara. We are part of this. And strong, influential women get lines, hakor, rubbery bodies and veined hands. But why not be just as proud of it? We carry everything within us.

It's a sick one, to always look at ourselves from the outside. That way, no one will ever be satisfied. That disease is taking more and more hold , it seems. It's something very sad, very sad – and plot -about it. It makes no one happy.

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To kill someone at a safe distance

Jo, a very good friend of mine who has been through a similar story as me, except that she was married to the fanatic and he was not a psychopath in the same sense as Sam, wrote to me about the fatigue I feel. She is also a writer, so we have a lot of things in common and she has been a good supporter through these years. She has occasionally sent me small wrapped gifts, and when it was at its worst for me then I would start trying to fend for myself in a new place and new apartment, they came almost every day. I was shaking when I opened them, and cried rivers of her concern. Så var det. There were such strong feelings in me, of abandonment, of vulnerability, of fear – ja, fear of never being able to take me back. It was about five- six years ago and still several years left until everything came up in court. I'm so grateful for how she managed to keep me up through some terribly hard days, weeks, months with their small gifts. It could be a used eye shadow that she did not use herself, but it could also be a flower check, or a ring she found at a flea market, or a small box she found at the bottom of a box. It could even be brand new garments, because she happened to get two when she sent for, or perfume samples, and even a whole bottle of perfume – which I still spray on myself every night because it's caring, warm, soft, tender.

She wrote to me the other day that ” he tried to kill you”… so it was no wonder I'm exhausted after the long battle. And that's actually true. He was trying to get me to kill myself. He put me in increasing panic and more and more behind bars while he peppered my brain with all his words – and of course did not intend to save me, and of course saw how I was torn apart, of course saw how the initially proud and rather cocky woman who did not want him became a leaf in his hands, depending on every word he said, put in fear. So do psychopaths. And my friend is right. I myself have told others, but no one has said that to me. Detta: so do psychopaths. They plow down, they crush, they run out of the victim's all possibilities and all room for maneuver and then they go. It's a relief for them if their victims just mess up. Their victims de facto not infrequently take their lives later. Or perishes by general… downfall. But then the perpetrator is already far away and human death can not be linked to him / her.. though it is a consequence of his / her deed.

It is mostly men who take their own lives after being exposed. They are most exposed by women.

Ja, so it's not so strange that I'm tired but it's hard, for my head has ideas and I want to implement them and a thousand other things, but the power does not yet exist. All the ideas live in my head but then I become completely dull, when to write it. Det är , have taught me, one of the most demanding cognitively, to write. There is so much to keep track of, one uses the functions of the brain in so many different ways. It does not really want to. It says ” but soft! I just want to hang out, relax and have it cozy now!”

I was so sure that it would be possible to continue to get ahead, straight in the back and with the gaze eagerly fixed on the horizon, take back all my routines and make me strong and brilliant and just keep writing – and make money. Så är det inte.

But thanks to the psychologist, which I FINALLY got to meet ( THANK YOU The mall, which is the only health center that has taken my need seriously and started acting immediately) I know I have to take this rest , in order not to risk going into the wall, seriously. And it's nothing to play with. People throw the phrase around a bit carelessly, but when it really happens, many people never get up again. Fatigue cannot be rested. What would life be worth then?

Nej, he will not win. I thought the battle was over, but it is not. I have not managed to recover. Eller ” retake ” is the wrong word… I do not want to recover. I want to a new place with all of me, whole again. I have come SO far. Not so long ago, it was as if life took place on the other side of a tall glass plate. It was on the other side, lush, ymningt, lush and there were all the friends and everyone I love. We could see each other, they could see me and thought I was there, on their side, in life, but I was not there. I was on the other side of the glass plate. Extremely afraid of never being able to take me over it. I remember when I, about two years after I reported , that is, five years ago, sat with my talk therapist and could tell, with hesitation, men ändå; ” it feels like i'm now on the edge of the glass plate. I balance on the narrow edge. At least I got there.” Then I did not know if I could get down on the living side again, in i livet, the life that is just without being questioned. But I could. And then you forget it. You forget, and luckily it is.

No matter what, everything is evolving. I have really matured during this time. It is not at all important for me to appear as something at all. Before, I had certain expectations of being strong just because the most despicable thing was to be weak and needy.. Always strong. Never weak. Now I have turned over in the other direction and do not keep quiet about anything at all and am like a mollusk, constantly in need, shouting, hallå, hallå! It will be very difficult for the relatives. But right what it is, the pendulum will probably end up right again.

My friend said I'm like the goat her dog chased around the house. The dog stopped running but the goat ran around the house anyway – several more laps. The danger no longer exists, but I'm running anyway.

People sometimes ask if I think about everything I've missed over the years. That's a painful question. But it is also misconceived. I do not know what I have missed. When you ask such questions, you always compare with the very best you can dream of. Like I met a wonderful man, started making good money, been able to do yours and hers and started to look like different monthly magazines' home reports of pecuniary successful people with a cuddle factor. But I might have gone to Uruguay or New York and been stuffed in a trunk and cut! Or just had it very boring in general. I might have walked there over Medborgarplatsen and tried to look busy for ten years, though nothing in particular happened and was cemented in an idea of ​​myself. That would be terribly boring. Things HAVE HAPPENED! Pretty exciting stuff! I did not know that I would get to know such a person! Such a colorful crazy man! And that I would end up in a trial in Stockholm City Hall. And that I would WIN a lawsuit against a psychopath – ” psykopat”, something I had no idea what it could mean, before it happened. That I should learn that everyone can be manipulated and crushed, not least if you are already shaken because your father has suddenly died and your role in life has changed when you lost a parent and your youngest has moved. It's LIFE. It's almost Greek drama! It is fantastically dramaturgically laid out. I had never been able to figure it out!

To be tamed with that man! It was not a bore in any case. Dangerous, but I did not understand that in the meantime. VERY DANGEROUS, men som sagt, a person I have dealt with, which I myself sometimes managed to confuse, even I could pull threads and manipulate back because I saw through him- but not enough because I did not in any way sense the depth of hand evil and his plan. He lived in my home, slept a few feet from my room and I HANDLED him all the time, even though I had ultimately lost, but I had no idea what the fight was about.

Och nu! Now I have ended up in a very nice place with so many fun and dear neighbors. And the forest! I have been able to discover the forest that is right next to Stockholm, which before were only distant spruce tops in a great darkness. I know all the ways, the ladders, – no no one does, but I trudge around in the woods because I'm in it now and I can sing in it, I can rest in it, dance in it, laugh at it, run around in it and play with my dogs. Everywhere here where I live, people smile, they say hello on the sidewalks, you stop and chat, you almost never get home if you go out! The neighbors shout at each other, it's a joke and a joke.

Not to mention all the kind-hearted people who have heard of the book and the people I have been able to HELP with thanks to the book! Massor! It's absolutely wonderful. I have been able to help LOTS OF PEOPLE with the book! Because he was sitting there staring into my eyes and forcing me to listen and getting tired and confused. I won, I swung over all these hours, days, months, år. I swung over it and ended up in a big wonderful friendly forest and have been able to help LOTS of people thanks to his abuse.

I have been able to reveal mechanisms, been able to tell from the victim's point of view, which is very important – it is easy to talk about how psychopaths act but we must also understand how healthy people who fall victim to them react to the unknown behavior to which they are exposed. It is very important!

nej, so I can not say that I regret these years, so to speak. how to now ” Undo” that one suffers from unfortunate circumstances. No one says that to someone who happened to be late in the morning because the shaver was faulty and the shoes were not tied up and because he lay for too long and read an exciting book and because of all this for which he himself is responsible., was delayed which caused him to be hit by a car and off his leg; ” you regret that you did not clean the shaver, tied up your shoes and read so long the night before you were late and therefore got off for this particular truck?” when he tries out his prosthesis to bravely move on?

You get to see things in perspective.

And what is life? Life is a way to learn a lot of different things, what it's like to be human?

Men visst! I've lost a LOT. Massor! But there is no point in thinking about that. LOTS of opportunities. Ok, but then it was so then. Maybe I won something too! We value and miscalculate sometimes when we look at our existence and it easily leads to bitterness. Som sagt, one must see things with perspective.

For my part, I'm glad I have my limbs. My body is whole. The brain is slightly broken, the psychologist says that it is probably years of such a terribly high stress surcharge, but it can be healed. I'm trying to do that now.

I'm trying to tell myself that everything's fine now, hela tiden. My highest stress surcharge now is money. He took all the reserves and the years that disappeared I have not been able to produce, which a writer must do all the time. Every little helps. But I tell myself that not even THAT ( reella ) the worry should worry me. It may not be real. It may also be a misconception, which is only a direct consequence of conventional thought patterns. Men en sak är säker! If I do not rest, there will definitely be no income, for it does not happen if you just lie down and do not have the strength to do anything ever again, no matter how much you want.

Everything will be alright. I'm enjoying my candlestick. Of simple things. Friends, barn, blommor. village.

Lots of rest. But I'll probably write some blogs anyway, because it's BORING at the same time not to write! And I know that … which makes me HAPPY… that quite a few actually WANT me to write blogs sometimes! Thanks for that!

Hi hop on is, alla.

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Light and light

Hey all,

today the fourth candle is lit in the candlestick and it is wonderful to see that in only two weeks the darkness will turn and the light will come back. For me who is not a Christian, this candlestick is a very welcome alternative with its six candles for each week from Mårten Goose to the Winter Solstice. For me who is not waiting for the Son of God, it gives happiness to see Time and Rhythm and how light approaches, because we are part of the space dance of the universe.

I bought the candlestick in the form of a Viking ship from a woman named Yvonne Ledin, you can find her on FB or as YLLISAR on Instagram. From there I got a couple of wonderful felted wrist warmers as well, as compensation for a small mishap.

Many ask when the next book will come, but I may disappoint you. There is nothing wrong with the ideas, but the energy. I do not have the power and the glow back. My brain tells me to just soften and cuddle and socialize and do fun things, such as I have not been able to for eternity because I have been in the curse! So to speak. Now I have finally got to see a real psychologist who has explained how it all fits together. I SHOULD NOT be tired, anser jag. No longer!

I'm so tired of the oldest part of my brain – we are animals and the oldest part of the brain that, among other things, controls the autonomic nervous system ( as I understood it ) think I'm still under threat, that I'm in danger. So the brain holds me, the one who wants me to get away from the threat, awake and puts my body in a state of immense restlessness. The stress hormone cortisol continues to be mass-produced. This of course tires out the organism that is me, because the condition has been going on for so many years, from the fact that the danger and threat were immediate and real.

Unfortunately, there is still a danger, namely the threat that I will not be able to cope financially. That's why I have to work ( except that I want to write ) but the feeling of threat simultaneously drains the organism, so I am constantly dead tired except in the moments when I do what my brain appeals to; Having a great time. Dock, I'm really not in URGENT DANGER! It's even a long time ago now. But writing THE DESTRUCTOR delayed the process. Probably the analysis of everything helped, which I had to do to write it, me to get over my PTSD. But my organism, after all, my ancient brain had to remain in the horror that has been, although not as much, because the writing helplessly aroused the old anxiety. Then there was some anxiety associated with the release as well. You forget that you are a very old brain too!

To break this, so I do not lose all strength, I must take the words of the psychologist very seriously. It's only a week since I got this very logical explained to me. It has been too many years with too much pressure. Like so many other women and especially mothers, I think I have infinite powers and just want to quickly get on the right keel and roar on.

At least now I can play. And constantly telling my body that it can be calm, I will give it food and rest and fun, so that it can stop being cut and vigilant. My intellect is not cut, my intellect has moved on a long time ago, but it is about purely physiological phenomena. Very interesting! Such an excellent concrete and tangible explanation of the tiring fatigue! And possible to fix, also in a nice way.

As a writer, it is almost impossible to get sick pay and right now everyone has a hard time getting it, so I can continue to gnaw on the door moldings, but of course I have a treasure chest at home with books to sell.

Take the opportunity to buy The Destroyer, bound or in pocket, now with personal dedication! I know there are many who have listened to the one who wants the physical book because it is so important! And exciting and awful.

I also have some copies of the latest edition of Glappet and Ebba & Didrik in my hiding place. Write to me and place an order and I will send them ASAP. Postage as usual 79 kronor will be added!

Now I'm going to cast candles! Then I'll make Caramelized Apples which I still remember how ”mrs Scott” who was the wife of the other family I lived in as an exchange student in Seattle, did. She worked as a maid of the house, quiet and shy in front of her husband, the builder. I found her down in the basement where she was standing and making these beautiful apples that looked so tempting. But I did not get to taste, because I was not a believer. Nej, I was not allowed to stay in the living room either. And then I had two tasks: go out with the garbage and clean the fat dog's ears.

It was very loving with the highly respected Scott family in the Church. She always brought the best cakes to church coffee. Scott's father scared the whole family, but they did not know about it. Or you looked through your fingers at it. As usual.

Nej, now it will be dark soon this tuesday in december and i will melt the wax and roll the beeswax candle and light the fourth candle in the waiting candlestick, but feel free to think about whether you do not want any of my books with dedication on your bookshelf!

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Candlestick

My wonderful friend Lena always finds nice, beautiful, wise phenomena, experiences and things and now she has found the candlestick.

I fell for it immediately, because I like the old customs and what they have meant to us in the dark Nordic countries, as Midsummer Eve and Walpurgis Night, but just this time… the dark November, December when the darkness deepens even more and we count the days until the light turns.. what should we do with it? Adventsljusstaken, which is about waiting for Jesus, has been allowed to function as ”companion” through the darkness. That it is a matter of waiting for the birth of Jesus must be thought out a little. I have nothing against Jesus, tvärtom, but I am not a Christian at all. Therefore, it feels a bit.. so there… when you pick out your Advent candlesticks every year and light your candles. Actually, it feels like a bit of the strength of the plot is lacking, as if it is not really bottoming out, as if it were a bit of an outside influence. Although a very important one, because these wonderful lights make us feel better.

That is for sure for many.

My father was a fan of the Icelandic fairy tales and the old asatron and it amazes me and many others that we do not learn more about these. No matter how you feel about it, it should be part of our inner culture's cultural treasure, the treasure we should carry with us from school from which we should then be able to scoop and bounce against when we trot through all of life's hardships and moments of joy. We know basically nothing about the old tales and myths that were woven under the stars in our exciting part of the earth, where it is either very light or very dark. Why do we know so little about these old Nordic tales and myths and figures and symbols? There is so much nourishment for creativity and imagination! I do not know much I either, because I did not listen to my father, but the interest was aroused and since adolescence I have been thinking: ”one day”, like so much else, have I thought I should improve in asatron and the old fairy tales. Men ”one day ” applies to most things, so I'll not get there.

On the way to the end, when nothing has been done, In any case, the TURNING LIGHT appeared. It has six candles, the first of which is lit six weeks before the winter solstice. At the time of writing, I do not know WHY it is exactly six weeks, but do not mind me. Then it appears that it is a candlestick and not an Advent candlestick. You light a candle for each week you approach the RETURN OF THE LIGHT, and it does happen 21 december. It's the day it turns and we can see how the day brightens again. JA! Wow! I want that! Äntligen!

It really SPEAKS to me, and I think that applies to many, who does not know about this (nya) custom inspired by the times before we became Christians. No god stands above it all like a judgmental or forgiving tyrant. THE WAITING CANDLEHOLDER is just about waiting for the light to return. As we sing about in the Lucia songs…. the light we love, even more so because we also feel the darkness that surrounds us during the winter, this magical darkness … which you TIRED of! And that makes it human, embracing, gives everyone the opportunity to celebrate. Every week a new candle is lit but it 21 December the last is lit., so if it is one If you want you can decorate it with six different runes like Lena. I'll probably do that. I love watching runes and learned the runes when I was little because I wanted to be able to read on old rune stones.

According to Lena Månstråle's interpretation, the six runes mean the following:

Feh : the rune of prosperity. Prosperity through gratitude for what one has.

clock: original power and new start

Thurs: Åskrunan. Tors runa. All radical change takes place through chaos. Thor breaks through the darkness and thunders and flashes!

Ass: The rune of the air and the wind. ( like letting go and FLYing instead of muttering around in the dunes)

Reid: The trolley run. The journey of life. The strongest protection rune.

Kenwas: The fire. The inner fire. Spark of life, viability.

Maybe they did not mean this from the beginning! But it's good for me.

Now I long until I get home the WAITING CANDLEHOLDER! And it almost makes me long for next fall already, then I can be with from the first of the six candles.

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How to care for victims of crime?

Continued yesterday's post

Hey all,

something was weird yesterday with my website. I would have written a lot more, but it was not included in the post.

What I wanted to say is that everyone who has been involved in abuse of any kind may be, In addition to receiving support from a psychologist, they should also be able to do a major investigation regarding their physical health. The mental fatigue that follows an abuse ( which can also be done by phone; think the old ones who are robbed over the phone; the new way to get over other people's money ) can be so deep that you think you are dying. I thought so myself, to this fall. Why should I start something new, when I'm dying anyway?

My former health center that knew everything about my history with the destroyer and more, did not want to cost me an investigation of the fatigue. It was considered too expensive. So I have continued to be sure that I am employed by a nasty disease that will still take my life in the end, pretty soon even, now that the destroyer could not really crush me.

By pure chance, a doctor caught this complex, when I applied for my fatigue – not at my old unhelpful health center but at one of KRYS physical health centers. Personally, I had missed the idea that my fatigue could be due to PTSD to oblivion – I was admittedly diagnosed with PTSD both from the hospital I first contacted 2014 when we had reported, and also precisely by the unhelpful health center called YOUR CARE CENTER, but no one had cared much about it, so I assumed I was just allowed to have it that way, då.

The young doctor at KRY caught up with what I said in passing about having been exposed to a psychopath and she decided that we should do an investigation of my physical condition to rule out illness.. Only THAT made me lift with relief. I was taken seriously.

The care! I am thinking of THE VALUE AND TASK OF CARE! Is not exactly this to CARE? To say ”we investigate you for your fatigue, but I think you're suffering from PTSD. But just so you know – and for all of us to know – then we will check you first so you can be free from your worries, which makes everything even heavier.”

Jo, IT is to CARE and to take their patients seriously. and THAT can not be said is the usual experience when we, who are tired and weary of the trials of life, asking for help. As we all know, women are also treated with less respect and seriousness than men who seek care, not least if we are also a little older.

I flew on light wings out of the KRY health center that day and felt the hope of a better life, than what is to survive. IT takes a lot of power, can I promise, to survive. There will not be much more content than trying to balance.

Now I know that all values ​​are almost remarkable! I'm healthy as a nut. And have every reason to be grateful for it, which I sincerely am. And now I know that the gigantic fatigue is something I can deal with. It feels justified, because I'm not dying!

But the experience of being dying is a consequence of the traumatic thing that happened. I'm not unique, and thus it is crowded with people who unnecessarily carry on another despair, in addition to the one they suffered from someone's violence against them. The despair of believing that one is probably actually dying as a consequence of an abuse is probably as invisible as anything that can be more immediately associated with the suffering victim of violence, physical, mentally, economic violence, whatever it may be, have to deal with.

As always, I think most of all those who have been sexually abused. And who can never get redress in court. To bear all the deep violations of privacy, which damages both the most intimate physical and mental spheres…. no wonder many of the victims of sexual violence are losing their former power, its direction, their previous opportunities for success, peace and happiness.

The suffering of crime victims must cost society, who counts everything in money, gigantic sums. The knowledge about the victims of violence and abuse is so small. Even today, we have to manage most on our own. And society is not even able to stop those who use violence against others. Ödeläggaren, despite a sentence of three years in prison and the comment ” he is very dangerous to other people” by Frivården's investigators was placed in prison with the lowest security and when it was time for him to report, he was already abroad for several months.

But back to healthcare. Part of the victims' suffering, which lasts more or less for a large part of the rest of their lives, could be captured and relieved, but it does not happen. I have sought help myself. And even when seeking help, you do not get it. A tired woman, who had some difficult experiences, haha, such a yes. We give her sleeping pills and antidepressants!

I do not want sleeping pills and antidepressants! I want action. This is my life! Not even me, who gets a lot of support through all the wonderful readers who get in touch with me after reading THE DESTRUCTOR, has enough power to change the standstill. Jo, finally! But mostly thanks to an attentive and insightful young doctor at an ambitious health center , in this case KRY.

I wish there was a program that was always ready to pick in all the new victims of abuse and violence. First, an investigation of their physical health, then qualified psychological help ( not one who sits and looks to fall asleep while crying) and then CBT to help one get concrete order in his days again, and to help you see where there is light and strength in what you do and think and feel and how you can add more of it. CBT works great with digital meetings! In addition, physical exercise-to regain the feeling of being in his body, the feeling that there is room to move in, and to bring out some of his encapsulated anger. All of this together could help all huge numbers of victims of various kinds of violence to heal better, to become a functioning citizen again, and give hope to others in despair. You have to move forward but you have to have a lot of help to be able to do it.

All this I have applied for and paid for myself even though I have no money because the criminal almost put me on a bare hill and I do not exactly get a monthly salary as a writer.

Such an ambitious program for people who have fallen victim to the heartlessness of other citizens, evil, Of course, crime does not exist and will never exist. But just a thorough review of physical health would help many. However, it is almost impossible to get if you do not pay privately and it costs many thousands.

A thorough health examination may sound unnecessary, but I'm pretty sure of that. Everything settles within us, in our brain, in our body.

This is not news. But it seems that everything that is CARE is downgraded, eller …. it has probably never been a priority! How about society'S CARE about the women who give birth to children? How well a society functions in terms of care for its citizens can be deduced from school and care. Of course, we have heaven here in comparison with many other countries, but maybe not so good anyway. Not if you want to consider our democracy as modern, good country for all of us.

A great revolution should take place and if that day happens, so much more will be better for everyone: change the male role.

Or to be correct CONTINUE to change the male role! One of the most important.

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