The message of love practiced by Katarina Församling Svenska Kyrkan

I myself left the church on my eighteenth birthday, but the message of love I have always followed, because I think it's a basic attitude that people should have among themselves.

This attitude was not good for me when the destroyer bothered into my life, via All Saints Church, Katarina parish, Stockholm. After suffering from how vulnerable he and his six-year-old children were – after many hours of listening to his despair – I opened my home to them over the summer. You who have read the book know where it led. Most people know this without having read the book today, it seems.

It was empathy, responsibility for the other, in this case a father and a child – the basic responsibility for the other that I believe we all have for each other, who spoke in me. It is called compassion, a necessary building block in all functioning societies. But if he had been a person I had met in another context, compassion would not have been enough. I trusted him because he was affiliated with the Church of All Saints, which is part of Katarina parish. The fact that he since five years back, when I met him, was actively tied to it was absolutely crucial. He had stood at the altar wearing a cloak and held the chalice at the popular masses held by the popular pastor Olle Carlsson, several times. He was a regular member of the Church, with his choir and he held many concerts. He also moved with predilection in the church café where all sorts of people gathered, where he was respected and appreciated, a man who spread joy, wisdom and comfort. I myself have seen Olle Carlsson punch him in the back, as if they were best friends, and heard the pastor throw appreciative words at him. I had this on my retina when I finally decided to let him and the baby live in my empty apartment over the summer, the different episodes when I had seen Olle Carlsson and Sam in mutual throbbing. Sam certainly seemed to be an esteemed person at the church and he had free access to all the rooms as if he belonged entirely there. The second time I met him, he invited me to one of the Church's meeting rooms, in front of several priests, because he moved in the church as if he belonged there. Det gjorde han också. He was invited to Christmas dinners, gatherings and meetings.

But I happen to know that the then man in charge, Pastor Olle Carlsson, understood that Sam was not reliable. I happen to know that he called a person in Sam's choir- long before I joined the choir – because he wondered about the person in question ” too bad of Sam ” because he suspected Sam was borderline. Because the person in question was very involved in helping Sam who he / she felt sorry for – which was Sam's method – the person denied that she / he too ill.

But the suspicion that Sam was borderline and possibly exposed his choir members and others to something bad may not have come from nowhere. Nevertheless, Pastor Olle Carlsson had Sam held. He continued his activities at the church for many more years. When I joined the choir, he had been in the choir for five years and for five years after that he continued his activities in the church.

Everyone involved knows what happened to me. And many readers and others take it for granted that the Church of Sweden or the parish has contacted me, to regret what has happened. After all, it was the Swedish church that gave the destroyer Sam ”credibility” a word that Sam himself loved. According to a person close to the then pastor Carlsson, he knew that Sam had to be kept short and did so; ”kept him short”. What I know about the pastor's responsibility is to protect his congregation. But he let Sam continue his activity and left him standing at the altar, as a Church representative wearing a robe, and hold in the lime- The blood of Jesus. With insight into Sam's limitlessness, it is not to keep him short. It is not to protect the church. But Sam gave some cool air to the priests, to the church itself and to the masses. Maybe that gave the pastor a couple of pluses on the edge, superficially, something that benefited him. Vem vet?

Jag, like most others, thought that some representative from the Church of Sweden or at least Katarina Parish would contact me, maybe even ask how they could help me. Not a sound. Not a sound from anyone at all. One of Sam's choir members is now married to Olle Carlsson and knows everything because I told about everything already when I had registered and told that I would write the book – for the sake of other people. What Sam had done upset her so much that she felt very bad. Då. Then came the book. But no representative from the church has heard from him. Mr Carlsson is no longer active there but is, as far as I know, still a real person. He was in charge then, but even if it is now others who have it, it is about representing the congregation, and the Church of Sweden. Silence. It surprises most people, but no longer me. Such is the great cowardice. It does not benefit the Church of Sweden, kan vi enas om, that its representatives are flat and spineless.

I was advised by friends to contact Katarina parish to ask for financial assistance.

In October, I wrote the following:

My name is C. H. I am a writer and playwright and have written the book The Destroyer Beginning in All Saints Church where I met the man who ruined my life through mental and physical violence, ruined me and made me homeless- known as Sam Paris. He had been running the church for ten years. Now I want to seek assistance from your funds, to manage the rent a few months ahead and to be able to buy Christmas presents. How should I proceed?? C. H

After two days, an answer came:

Hello and thanks for your mail! You are welcome to apply for funding if you live and are registered in Katarina Församling. GOD'S PEACE!

from a deaconess official.

This deaconess official had then asked a mutual acquaintance if she knew me, because we had both been in Sam's choir. And our mutual acquaintance knew about this brief exchange of letters and thought that the Church's response to my letter was shitty. The deaconess had wondered how else she would have answered? Our common acquaintance pointed out ”But she no longer lives in Katarina parish because of his crime against her and you can not help her because she does not live in parish – because of his deed?” The deaconess shrugged and left. I understand that it is not an individual deaconess official who should be responsible for the flatness of the church, but my letter to the congregation opened, a beginning of a communication if they had been receptive to it. They obviously are not. They feel no responsibility.

My acquaintance said something like ;” And the only thing you have done is to have followed the message of love. But this is how Katarina parish and the Church of Sweden practice the message of love!”

Ja, I just continue to marvel at how common hypocrisy is also among people who give other people blessings and communions and comfort , collects collections for charitable purposes, bury their dead and baptize their children and marry them in love. Priests should have an ongoing critical self-cleansing and reflection – not as a superficial occupation to write mediocre daily verses to heel for the public, while sitting and cuddling in their large parsonages and going abroad on spiritual retreats for tax money, but to preserve its dignity, carry their cold and be role models in courage, heder, responsibility and in being able to practice the message of love, for example.

Merry Christmas to you all!

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Hi hope my friends.

Many are very upset about the large sums of money Sam the Destroyer took from me. These were life-changing sums for me, and I do not intend to explain the process again – read the book and psychology – but I have come across a very important thing in connection with the tragic consequence of the money in my individual life.

Because how would it have been for me , as a victim of the brutal psychological violence and some milder physical, if I had not been able to get the perpetrator prosecuted?

Admittedly, it is undeniable that the loss of my home and my savings, especially in light of my freelance business in the least lucrative of all; cultures, is a disaster that I have to deal with as long as I can now live in the footsteps of his deed. Visst. But the worst is not it. The worst thing was the psychological violence and what it did to me. The incomprehensible that is so difficult – ja, impossible to explain – so impossible that we who have been exposed to psychopaths all KNOW that it is NOT POSSIBLE to explain to others, while WE immediately feel that the person who has also been exposed UNDERSTANDS and there is no need to say more about it. It is NOT possible to talk about it and everyone who has been exposed KNOWS it but we try to explain it to others and then you have to take words. THAT's the worst. The psychological violence and what it did to me, towards my life, my daily life, my existence out in all directions, down into all depths and into every nook and cranny.

This is what everyone who has been exposed to psychopaths has to deal with. Plus the financial consequences in my case – and in the case of many others, but money is far from always involved.

But HOW would I have managed if I had not been able to get him prosecuted for the crime he committed against me, and get him convicted? Multiple, many times worse.

And the ONLY reason I could get him prosecuted and convicted is just the money. The amount of money also determines the classification of the crime as ROUGH. He was sentenced to three years in prison. Not six months, or community service, or two years. Three years.

Of course, he was not convicted at all for his method, for its systematic and intelligent degradation, inte alls – but only because he said the money would go to something it did not and because he obviously never intended to repay anything. NOT at all for the destruction he created within me- which was his weapon. And it's your inner self you have to live with, it is one's inner self that determines how one copes, if one can indulge in power and joy, affiliation and direction again.

Of course, he was also sentenced to pay back everything with interest – both to me and the other plaintiff – but we will not see the smoke of it, because he had no assets. There are countries, as Norway according to what I have heard, where the state goes in and compensates crime victims and then the culprit is instead guilty of the state which is more powerful than an individual, already exposed. Someone told me that if we had had that system in Sweden, public finances would have been vacuumed quickly and the economy would have collapsed. Lots of people, exposed to crime, never receives a penny in compensation, never receives damages. But I think society loses in the long run by not at least to some extent compensating the victims and then demanding the money from the perpetrators. The whole legal process costs money, but then the victims are left to fend for themselves, and many never get to their feet, get no help to get back : and what does IT cost? What does it cost in cash and in suffering?

It's bitter, men ändå… if he had NOT robbed me I could never have been right in court, never even been able to get him prosecuted.

I can say one thing; then I would have perished! Maybe not right away, but slowly.

Now some kind of balance could be achieved. Society stood by my side and judged him. Det är stort, in relation to how he behaved towards me in my home when I was extradited and exposed and he was more powerful than I really ever understood. THE JUDGMENT began my healing, my feeling that I am strong, my sense that I am worthy because I was right! Dessutom, if he had not been convicted, I would never have written the book. It was not until the verdict became final that I knew I was free to write it.

And it has benefited many others, already. And it will continue to do good. And that it benefits others – heals me. Except it was to some extent- possibly – healing to write it, though I'm not sure – it's mostly something others claim. Nej, it did not help me to write the book, it helped me see that it was needed.

So it was good, in this particular case, that he robbed me with his invisible unbearable weapons. But that's a terrible thought, that for the majority who are exposed to a person with psychopathic traits, it is not possible to have a prosecution brought and that no one ever listens to them, especially when I now know into the marrow how impossible it really is, really explain to others what has happened. The idea of ​​being stuck in it, is unbearable and I have GREAT respect for all the victims out there, who survived, which continues to assert the power of life. I wish from the bottom of my heart that their loved ones treat them with love, quiet understanding and respect for the diabolical battle – not infrequently also with physical violence – as they have endured.

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Strong women and psychopaths

Sometimes I come across the word priestine. Do not think it is spelled that way, but one thinks at least of a priest. Sam the devastator used to fascinate me to say that I was. ” Used” is to take in, but he said it on a few occasions and I was so surprised every time, not least of that astonishing appreciation, a little tender expression he had when he said that. Vadå, sa jag, I'm not at all. I have lots of experience of life and have been beaten a lot and am not at all as friend as you might think.

It means ” undamaged ”. Now afterwards, I think there is something very special about this, that the person who is in the process of emptying one's life of opportunities and knows that he risks my security so much that I can become homeless, with an appreciative, tender, fascinated mine says just that ” You are so priestine!”

This is something you have to laugh at afterwards, when sitting with the conclusion. You do not have the result in the meantime, as you may understand. It somehow annoyed me that he thought I was so unspoiled, but he was right in the sense that I had never dealt with a psychopath before. And it's not easy stuff because they camouflage themselves so well. Ja, that way I was undamaged but he knew he was just about to change it at the moment.

One thing I have learned from people in mental health care and the judiciary afterwards is that it seems that many so-called strong women fall victim to psychopathic men. Psychopathic people are attracted to strong people in general because there is more to gain there, but I have come up with another terrible reason why ” strong women” suffer from psychopaths!

Something that was important and interesting to me and completely different with Sam was that he had no difficulty in giving me cred for my successes., for my intelligence, my talent and also for how I had handled motherhood, divorce and illness, all these challenges of life that have a series of visible to the naked eye but nonetheless completely crucial subdivisions in the form of various challenges of responsibility and ethics and holistic thinking. It was not that he actively praised me and praised me with wreaths or exaggerated compliments – inte – but he confirmed that things I had done to cope with life as well as possible for everyone around me involved including myself – was WELL DONE. He did not diminish it. He reflected on it and gave without the slightest drama or stinginess completely normal confirmation that I had succeeded well in the silent struggle that it is often to be a single mother and a professional and a human being- but always in the first place, because it is constantly acute mother, in a context where everyone is emotionally dependent on each other. He confirmed things that no other man could have commented on as well done, or even seen that it had happened. But like other working mothers and especially single people, know and which they without affirmations easily confirm because they have the same.

But there are often , as my friends and I experience it anyway, a certain delicacy, a stinginess in men that does not allow them to give to women / mothers the cred they should have, though they themselves require cred and appreciation and confirmation for what they do. Something that women also often give, automatically, just as we show children appreciation because we know it makes them grow well. It does not matter who the man is, this may apply to the ex-spouse, the father of the children but it can also apply to brothers , fathers or male friends and relatives. Men, in general, it seems difficult to admit that certain crucial things women / mothers have been forced to take responsibility for simply because men have not done so – and if the women / mothers had not done this in silence, things could have gone wrong, maybe really bad, perhaps so bad that the children had crashed or come out on dangerous water, or whatever it may be… the man might not have got his career is well a common and clear and concrete example in the context. For many years, women can inwardly cry out for that confirmation from those who should give it, who should see the context, who should see what they themselves have gained from her holistic thinking and responsibility and trickery with their will, their needs and conditions and ability, strength and endurance and loyalty. Say it was well done, Say you saw what I did to keep everyone afloat, to spare the children, to spare parents, to spare you, to help everyone cope as well as possible – something that mothers generally learn to do when their children are brand new and would not survive without another person's care. Unfortunately, this profoundly changing experience is not so planted even in the interior of the young fathers, even today. Among other things, Sam could easily understand such things. He understood it without me saying anything in particular, he had reflected on my life and the challenges I had had and my conditions all on his own and explained to me what he had understood and it was so much more than what other men in my life had understood or even thought about. And it was nice. And made me think; what an unusual man, and how strong he is in himself that can give this that so few men can give in such an obvious way, but which strangely enough all women of all ages see and understand. This confirmation that he as one understood my strength and above all the struggle that forced the strength gave me a sense of confidence. He had seen. And he could say that.

But it was not difficult for him to give me cred because he had no dignity to lose. Psychopaths say what they understand that the person in front of them would like to talk about, need to hear. They reflect the other, and no remarkable intelligence is required to do so and what it above all does not require is a true and sincere feeling. What did it matter what he said? Everything he said was just a tool to win my trust and nothing he said risked his self-esteem. But I think in this, quite trivial, there is one of many keys to that ” strong women” , despite the habit of managing on their own and being self-motivated and skeptical and following their own direction can ” fall for psychopaths”. Feel respect for them, trust and finally someone who understands! These men can say things that ordinary men can not get over their lips ! They can admire you for what is relevant, without being exaggerated – always rooted in intelligence and smart discussions and reciprocity – for what you do, what you have accomplished, how you have ”conduct your life”, how well you have managed to manage your pound even though you have taken most of the emotional responsibility at the same time (and practical ) for children and family, something that does not extend over six months but over several decades.

Så, Please ; you ordinary men, please give your women cred but also take more emotional and practical responsibility for the whole, so that your not strong, radiant women one day sit in front of a psychopath who confirms everything you were too stingy to do, because you did not want to pretend about their greatness and your weakness. In general, I have learned just this; (but I learned that about when I was twenty, but you could say that the knowledge has since deepened) GIVE EACH OTHER MORE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION for high pharaoh. This applies to all kinds of relationships. DARE to bid on it, it does not diminish your own value. Dare to see that someone has done something great, excellent, or nice that you yourself are not even close to being able to and therefore feel an ounce of jealousy. Swing over it. This is especially true of fathers in relation to their children ( especially their sons) and it applies to men in relationships with women. It applies all the time and everyone, but mean what you say.

In any case, I'm wondering if this with STRONG WOMEN and psychopaths can have anything to do with this to some extent. As many as I have met, especially with regard to the judiciary and to healthcare that has said this; ”… and she is also a STRONG woman!” och ”there are ALWAYS STRONG WOMEN….!

Conclusion: Psychopaths with a hidden agenda have no difficulty confirming the strength of strong women. They still do not mean it. But the strong women are amazed to have to deal with a man who is so mature inside – and strong – that he can acknowledge her strength. It makes him unique.

These are just postSam reflections, hardly even claims, but REFLECTIONS, which may have a certain value. And since everything has changed on my website, I can not insert ” READ MORE” the tag and also not preview it so I hit and publish straight off.


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A thousand votes about THE DESTRUCTOR

Now my book The Destroyer has been out for three and a half months. It did not disappear, poff, as if it had never existed, as with most books. That was my fear. In that case, all had laborious work – in addition to the years of destruction – been in vain. The purpose of the book was to reach others with the story, because what happened is part of the human experience. But we do not know much about the kind of human evil that the story represents, despite the fact that it goes on and on over and over again, hela tiden. The explanation is simple; victims – like myself – become so devastated from within that they cannot even explain to themselves how it happened.

A thousand voices have heard from me. In fact, more. I've read everything, listened to everything. It is upsetting and turbulent in many ways. I have experienced a lot of grief. We all cry in the moments we recognize ourselves, feel that someone is grasping, really into the marrow takes.

But it is actually also exhausting to get as many loving words as I have received in the wake of the book – from my readers. It's exhausting because I understand in their words how bad I've been. And it is turbulent to receive the wishes of strangers for prosperity, so tenderly and anxiously conveyed. They reach me straight into the heart. Many times tears have flowed down my cheeks as I read. Tack.

Think about what we humans are worth to each other. Compassion. Who under it can do!

I have in addition to that I have been enriched with so much compassion and affection, got to take part in a very large number of stories about other people's experiences. Tänk, if all around you knew how strong you have been. If they understood that you are heroines and heroes who stubbornly continue to live and find light and power and joy, though someone has hurt you so much, insidiously and purposefully broke some of the most important pillars of human existence, in the self which is a part of everything. Anyone who has contacted me with experiences of psychopathic abuse, wish we talked openly about this. It's good that it's starting to happen now. No one thinks that you will experience it yourself. Only those who have a little more knowledge suspect that it is actually possible that I too, who is on solid ground and knows who I am, bit by bit without me initially understanding what is happening, can be entangled and lose all the important things in my life. If we talk openly about it, there are more equipped, and may not try to be strong and cope with it on their own – som jag – while becoming increasingly exhausted and seduced. Many who have heard from me have been through much worse things than I have, too often, very often it is about a woman / man that you have been in love with, älskat. That was not the case for me – if it had been, I would not have had the strength to write the book.

The letters and comments continue to drip in with undiminished force. Maybe half of them are from people with experience of psychopathic violence but the rest are readers without experience. I must say that I am really glad that they also hear from me. It can not help that I am extremely happy and feel proud – som författare – that they describe that they have not been able to stop reading! They have read well into the wee hours, even though they had only intended to read one chapter, but another chapter will be another and soon it will be morning. They have told me that they forgot to eat, barely had time to go and pee, that their relatives have wondered what is going on because they absolutely do not want to be disturbed – just read or listen further! A woman discovered that she was standing in the shower with her headphones on – she was so inside the book that she forgot to take them off and when she discovered it she still could not stop listening but risked them!

It was very difficult to figure out what form I would tell it all in. I could have done it more analytically and alternated the past with the present to ensure that everyone understands that I have understood more than it seems! But I did not want to do that. It had become boring and I had not been able to convey the fear you feel when you are exposed and how life and the world shrink. This horrific creeping anxiety, and growing uncertainty about everything, not least one's own logic and perception. It is important to understand how the degradation process is experienced, how disoriented one becomes, how difficult it is to think clearly, and stick to it. Not least if you are also afraid in the vicinity of the natural person. When you have not experienced anything like this, and fortunately most of us have not been, it seems so strange that you do not just go your own way, not just roaring! It was terribly difficult to describe it all and I have not really succeeded in describing how all these healthy boundaries and reactions are blurred.. I understand that I should have put more pressure on the fact that I was never allowed to sleep. Not a single night did I sleep a whole night from the time he moved ( tillfälligt ) in. And apparently it is very common, a well-proven method of pushing a person into something they had never accepted under normal circumstances. I chose to write it all chronologically, as it unfolded and make me as ignorant as you are when you have no idea you are a tool in someone else's boundless completely ruthless plane. The reader already knows the title and can simply witness how the victim falls into trap after trap. Now I'm happy, Yes it's me, that I have managed to describe it so that you have been drawn into it and started biting your nails. All this material, everything I knew and everything I had to choose from and opt out or include…. it was like an insurmountable mountain and it made me so frustrated because I knew I had to write the book – but how? Ja, I get really happy when I hear that readers have been engrossed in this tongue, thick book. It was certainly part of the devilish challenge and almost every day I wondered why all the way to hell I tormented myself with this but then I reminded myself that the material is quite unique – and that it was probably a meaning that he would happen to me! I did not just stop him, his deeds can benefit others in book form. Mwuahahaa!

Now I even hear that you read it twice! And many have told me that they wish all young people read it, as part of the information tax that one should receive along the way, about all the dimensions of human life. I wish so too, because the more you bring with you, the easier you can navigate and not least also help others if you are more familiar with the phenomenon.

A number of decades ago, there was no talk of such things as sexual abuse, våldtäkt, pedophilia. The more you know about it, the better equipped you are and the less the victims are disgraced due to the lack of knowledge of the common man, the better the victims can heal and recapture their lives.

I have seen in the letters I have received that many, both women and men, are so deeply wounded by what has happened to them that decades later they are still suffering from nightmares, of panic disorder, of fear, of feelings of inferiority, of self-loathing, for fear of proximity, of suicidal thoughts, of depression, of apathy, of insulation and more. Usual, starka, honest people who have believed in another human being, wanted the other well, and only practiced what made it possible for humanity to evolve at all: empathy, love, benevolence, trust, endurance, the ability to put oneself last to temporarily carry / help / heal another human being.

While the perpetrators swing on and find new victims and for the most part there is not even anything to prosecute them for.

I'm lucky because I can feel happy about what I've done. Pride. And deep satisfaction that so many others have been able to reflect in the story, and that I have spread some understanding, which benefits everyone ( except the perpetrators) Thank you all who communicate with me. And thank you for the loving thoughts I have received. It really touches me deeply and makes my step easy.

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Hello friends,

I have had to breathe a little. But soon more will come!

I'm confused, gripped and dull and grateful and humble and strengthened and refreshed and …. recovered… of all the wonderful emails I have received and comments on the blog.

Strong people out there, strong who have managed through similar and worse things. It is clear that this needs to be discussed. There are many victims of people with psychopathic traits, they are sacrificed time and time again. Sometimes I have regretted writing The Destroyer, men nej, it was good. It was good that I wrote it, it does benefit.

Both for others and for me.

It's good to understand that I'm strong too. Rent egocentriskt. Men det är bra. Tack, thank you all.

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fiction, reality, projections

Hey all,

now I hope that for the last time I will write some kind of defense for my book The Destroyer. Of course, if it had been FICTION, I would not have said a word about my thoughts on criticism and reviews, precisely because one cannot dictate how others should perceive one's work. Through all the years of professional writing, I have read many reviews and know that the reader interprets based on his own experience and his world of thought, and that some are perceived, otherwise not and that it is in any case a subjective interpretation of text or drama and if there is nothing to say, som författare. But when it comes to The Destroyer, it's not fiction, it's about some traumatic years of my life and therefore i feel that i have to point out some factual errors in reviews, especially since there were annoyed question marks in the critics' reading as to why I did not do this or that. Continue reading

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Correction! Violence against women certainly counts!

A giant entertainment industry counts it! An entire film world, an inexhaustible world of TV series counts it, a fat amount of writers count the violence against women in gold.

I wrote in my previous blog, due to Kajsa Ekis Ekman's article about Fjärilsvägen and the Destroyer, that violence against women does not count, just as she describes so clearly with the help of the critics' texts about these two titles.


At the same time written, produced and ”consumed” huge amounts of detailed depictions of violence against women. This brings in improbable income. Writers who get rich with this are proud of their fortunes, and film companies, streaming services and television rub their stomachs contentedly over how depictions of violence against women generate profits.

What if the industry that produces violence against women without end as entertainment could spare a few percent to the victims of the violence? Som good will? Maybe some writer who sits and ice cream with his millions could donate 4 % to women whose lives have been ruined, who were forced to change their place of residence, forced to go underground, have physical or and mental but for life?

Another thing I've been thinking about, which is directly connected to this with ” violence against women” – is that it seems that people in general do not understand that the women who are exposed to violence are any women. It is not a special variety. It is not written in their birth certificate that they are particularly suitable to act as victims of violence. Before they have been part of it, they have been part of the large group that has not been part of it.

It sometimes seems like a surprise to people. Now I start from myself , but I have seen really astonished faces when I pass by, as a matter of course has mentioned that I had never been in the vicinity of violence before the Destroyer through his child and my empathy entered my world.

”Va, Oh really?”some hiccup with big eyes. In this way, the unreflected assumption emerges that a person who has been the victim of a violent act, in this case a psychopathic person specializing in psychological violence, must have been predestined for it, perhaps in principle brought with it abuse from the beginning, with breast milk. That you have probably lived your life in an obvious perception that you belong to the group of people who meet the anti-violence quanta and do not have a lifelong experience of the opposite. You kind of stutter; ”You mean, that throughout your life you have an experience like mine – alltså, to go safe and secure in respectful relationships, you mean you have not already carried on a wounded integrity that the bandit has just loosened up a bit? VA? Do you mean that you were like ME before you met him?? Is it true? Did you not belong to a particular group as well??”

Back to maintenance violence.

If you look back at the cultural offerings in the history of mankind, you can be sure that it has never before been as normalized as now: the violence, gross violence, sexual violence, psychological violence and physical violence against women. At the same time as the women pass revue as victims are ”kvinnorna” not persons in these descriptions. They are deprived of their humanity from the beginning. There is nothing that makes us recognize them as if they could be one of us, one of mine, one of those I love or myself. They are always just victims. This discussion is old. I remember it from when I was a teenager in the middle 70- talet.

Because we have learned, fed by this violence from childhood, that the women who are sacrificed are not like ourselves ( not drawn as characters, individuals, people with their own world, in its own drive, enclosed in their own strong movement of friends, familj, interests, love, work) it is perhaps not so strange that one transfers the notion to the victim of reality for violence, and gets confused when it turns out that yes… they are like us, the victims of reality are just like us.

The disappointing thing is that the industry – it is more an industry than an expression of the inner body of man in artistic expression – has not changed since 70- talet. It has passed generation after generation of filmmakers, författare, producers and all have lacked the ability to develop. No one with power has worked to change perspectives. Violence against women certainly counts, and the amounts are gigantic.

There's something extremely perverse about that.

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kajsa ekis ekman Aftonbladet 15 oktober 20


Finally someone who addresses what my book is about. What made his looting possible. And what was the reason I thought the book was important to write – for others, för alla. This is what violence looks like. This is how a strong can, healthy, independent, happy man is broken down.

I've been horrified all along – actually shocked by – that not a single critic who has written about my book The Destroyer has mentioned the violence he subjected me to, the violence – psychological and physical – which enabled him to also ruin me and almost make me homeless.

It has been dizzying, in a negative way, to notice that people who are believed to be intellectuals, which has a place to express itself in the media, who will read books in a professional way – tror man – falls back into the simplified, aggravated old narrative where the blame always lies with the victim / woman. I've seen it now, in review after review year 2020 in Sweden and wondered where the person was actually mentally while they were reading 587 the pages. Probably in another story. The old and life-threatening conservative story about how things like these go and in that story the violence is certainly there, but does not count as important – and is somehow, implied the victim (the woman's) own fault. I have read that I am ”grounded”. That I am ”idiot”, to ”how can an adult be deceived like that”. That I have ”betrayed everyone by letting me fool”.

As I have written before; these reviews are counterproductive except that they are unintelligent and naive. If someone was about to take the step from hell staged by a person in their vicinity who is practicing mentally – and often also physically – violence , strengthened by the interviews with me which have evidently strengthened some, so you can expect them to back into the dark after reading how my book was received in Sweden's most influential newspapers because that's where the world shouts” SHAME ! Idiot! He was a clown! How to be fooled by a clown! Shame on you!”

It's bigger than my own resentment over this and shock over how to read it. Much much bigger. For these conclusions ( called reviews) if the book manifests to a large extent the silent power of violence, most often violence against women, in society, in time, for the future, from the present back. They are clear concrete expressions of how violence against women does NOT count.

This is what makes Kajsa Ekis Ekman's text in Aftonbladet important far beyond the titles Fjärilsvägen and Ödeläggaren. And it's very, very creepy. Take a look at SVT play and the documentary series ” Violent love” so you get a glimpse of how dangerous this denial and conservative attitude is.

I have thought quite a lot about how I would have written the book so that it became clearer that I was exposed to psychological violence – and physical violence, and a methodically insidious and at times quite sadistic breakdown of my brain, my movement room, my self and that it was the whole condition for him to ruin me and I now have to live below the subsistence minimum for the rest of my life. I thought I had described it, sometimes quite detailed, through the 587 the pages. I should have bothered that he did not let me sleep a whole night, starting as soon as he entered my home? I should have taught the reader how devastating it is for a human being not to have the opportunity to rest? Not everyone knows that they use the method of not letting people sleep properly to take power over them? I have thought afterwards, when I read these upset texts about how stupid I was – that how much do they mean to endure? Not even the fact that the man in question after the personal investigation in connection with the trial was ”very dangerous to other people” has bitten the critics; nä, the woman in question was stupid who let herself ” luras”!

For most people, having a needy person goes a long way, exposed, weeping, appealing stranger at home who is then also there in your office when you hope to be left alone in order to end up in imbalance. A couple of days is enough and if the night's sleep is disturbed several times during the time, you are quite tender. That you then lose a loved one to death in the middle of it all, may not help either? And then we have not even touched on the more insidious psychological violence that soon intensified – and not at all the physical. Nor the complicated psychological game in which everything took place with responsibility for a vulnerable child and so on. I have really wondered how much Jonas Thente in DN and Clara Block in Svd think that you should be able to cope in your daily life because I was such a ” idiot” som ” went on” och ” lurades” by ”pajasen” och ” betrayal” both my close ones and everyone who admired me as a writer! Hallå!

Som sagt, the violence is neglected. Varför? If you overlook it? Or do you consider man ( I in this case ) earn it? Do you understand that you take a stand by not mentioning the violence in a word? Probably not, it seems completely unreflective. I have been surprised that the critics' reading of my book has been so blinded by unsorted emotions, upset slightly accusatory formulations about how stupid I was. After the description of degradation and violence I offer, it's a bit like a slap in the face. Where is the sharp thought, analyzes? I'm surprised, but I have overlooked it, as one must as an artist, and I have chosen not to keep silent about the destruction. But I have thought that if I were a psychopath I would eagerly seek out these people because they would definitely never understand what happened when I caught them.

It is an interesting dimension in that Fjärilsvägen is still written by a man. It would be easy to think that since a man writes about the mental and physical violence against a woman, perhaps he would be interested in it in a different way, one might even admit it? Nej, not even with a man as a messenger, do you give violence any significance in the course of events, although it is absolutely crucial. The event and the outcome of the course of events are explained in a completely different way. Kajsa Ekis Ekman describes it clearly and distinctly in her article.

I have wondered if the violence would have been noted by the critics if it was a man who was exposed to it instead of a woman. Had one written about the event in the same diminishing tone then? Jag tror inte det.

I think the woman's refined and insidious psychic terror against the man had been appalled. They had even noticed the detail that she was constantly disturbing his sleep every night and they had understood what it meant for the poor man. I think one might have almost understood how mental violence makes physical violence possible. It had probably been written about how the physically weaker woman in passing pushed her fingers into the man's mouth and tricked his throat. With horror it had been realized that psychological violence against an entire man had wiped him out so much that he would not have protested, but just suppressed it, and tried to handle the situation as constructively as possible. The moments of abuse described in the book had become ingrained in critics. The violence would have simply appeared in its entirety if it had been carried out by a woman against a man. ( and this very violence is also going on out in the silence, notice well!)

Thanks Kajsa Ekis Ekman. The article highlights something incredible, extremely serious. Something very dangerous. Something that goes on and on and on. The acceptance of violence against women.

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If I hate?

people wonder. Nej. It's a far too active feeling. I've never hated the destroyer. Maybe some brief moment when I have remembered one of all the hundreds of times when he looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked for my support, in his struggle for his child – now that I've done. How he used both me, my compassion, and his child who was his tool.

Men nej, I do not go around hating. It has never bothered me. It feels strange. The man is a psychopath. Psychopaths have an injury. It is innate. They understand the world in a different way than the rest of us. He has, of course, made his conscious choices, all the time to break me down and bind me to him, use my empathy and my sense of responsibility, but based on their damaged conditions. Nä, I do not feel hatred. It would have been hard. Hatred consumes oneself and leads nowhere.

However, I think a lot about it all. Right now there is a certain kneading because so many people contact me, with similar experiences. Of course, it is not the case that everyone has lost their opportunities for a decent life financially, but for many, this spinoff has come in handy, but everyone talks about and recognizes the degradation. They have also been strong, självständiga, thinking people who never thought they could come across something like this.

What has followed in the footsteps of the book are many different conversations. It is the best. People who have had bad experiences in the same way have started talking, with his friends, their close. The important thing is that it is now easier to talk about it, open, that people stop feeling ashamed because they have been extremely manipulated by another with an insidious and heartless agenda, that they have methodically become mentally worn out ( as a common thread through the stories of many goes insomnia! That seems to be the first step; ensure that the victim is never allowed to recover, do not get a full night of undisturbed sleep at any time) and that as a result it has lost its power over itself – på olika sätt. That people tell their loved ones; it's a big step! And that perhaps in general one begins to understand that these crimes are so much more brutal and terrible than ” sun and spring” – the epithet with attached performance suggests. I'm so grateful I was never in love with this person because in that case he would have ruined too much. And so it is for most people; very many victims of psychopaths have been entangled in duality and love. I can not imagine the horror and vulnerability of it. What is called ” sun and spring.”

Men sedan, when the conversations about the abuse itself and the consequences for an individual and that person's close, has started to ebb out – which are so important! – makes other calls. The existential, the moral issues. And the search for reflections, after perspective and after inspiration for the wounded soul begins. And if the conversation then exists – you can share it and if you share it, so much more happens than if you also carry the healing alone. Man, as a victim, can then see new doors open, to new paths, which even though so much is important in oneself and one's existence is destroyed in a way one cannot even put into words – yet new forms emerge in the interior, where small rippling streams – with sun in! – can poke forward. Our understanding of life is deepened. Our understanding of who we are as human beings in relation to others, something that is constantly changing. But through this road that is so difficult you see, if you look back, that you have made certain decisions that are often in the sign of love and for that you can feel pride. Despite all the hardships, despite the confusion, have you stuck to the idea that things should be good, that one can take responsibility for it, that one is even willing to use one's last forces to take responsibility for carrying everything to the end; where everything will be fine. Admittedly, one has been seduced and psychologically exposed, but one has held one's banner high and been faithful to one's own ideals and ideas about human goodness. This is exactly what the psychopath has often used, but nonetheless: one was not spineless, they went through the blizzard and did not give up.

Time and time again along my path to doom, laid out through the darkness by the perpetrator, I realized that I was faced with moral choices. I felt that my never-before-questioned complacency was challenged. The idea of ​​my humanism. Of course, it was foolish of me to hold on to my own morals when I was dealing with a completely unscrupulous person in the absence of all morals., but it was something he successfully hid. In my eyes, he was desperate, extradited, desperate, father who alone fought to save his son from a destructive upbringing. He played this skilfully until a special point when he instead became more threatening, but then it was too late. Through all the decisive decisions I was followed by his acute despair and the boy's big eyes and through these decisive months went my perception of morality. I had promised to help the poor man and his children and who would I be if I let them down? I doubted him at the same time as I trusted him completely, but it gave me no room for movement. Now I will not present myself as more noble than I was – in parallel with the provocative morality there was fear, confusion and exhaustion. Some horror. But after all, it was just emotions and emotions can not control! When I tried to figure out what to do when he confronted me with his desperate hopes ( claim ) to borrow more money to build their lives with the child, and I hired my reason my reason told me that I must follow my morals. Do not get caught up in emotions like anxiety, confusion and fear. They could not be grounded in reality, they were just expressions of my own troubled interior. My superego told me that I must follow my morals and not cowardly back and forth, when I had promised to help. It's almost laughable!

Above all, it is laughable that I met this man in the church where he was so well rooted in his activities for many years without me being the slightest church or believer. Still, I followed, so to speak, the message of loving my neighbor as myself. And just this with this intruder! Ja, until the point when he had snared and worked me so much that there was only the devastation left, to then get quiet on me and move on. (Say what you want, but it is a good framework for moral reflection, I had never been able to come up with such a good drama myself. Above all, it is a mammoth beginning at the altar, the first meeting between us. )

But based on all the stories I have now received from other people who have been through similar devastation, this is also it – with their own dignity, the inner rising, morals – a common thread. These are people whose values ​​are strong. People who are persistent in their belief in these values. People who reflect on humanity, and our responsibility to each other. People who do not just look after themselves and people who have a perception that they have mental, soulful and loving margins. People who can temporarily put themselves in the second place to give to the needy ( Psychopaths are very often in need) power and space, people who are willing to assist and support. In other words, people with a healthy ability to connect and trust others, with a constructive attitude to problems and shortcomings and a strong belief in the possibilities of others, then gifted with perseverance.

Det är – also according to what I have read and been told by psychiatrists and psychologists – often such people who fall victim to psychopaths. People who are the way you wish everyone were. Driven by love, of kindness, of loyalty and openness. It can be good to know if you consider yourself a good and strong person – something that most of us think we are!

Personally, I thought that those who were so heavenly strange that they encountered such things radiated a desire for submission, smelled blood. Or that they were generally lost, rootless, clear of the wind, in desperate longing for belonging, even if it was fake and raw and cruel. Or that they were stupid in the head. Though I did not think much about it, more than I sometimes said ” but my God!” when reading any notice about someone who ” lurats” of millions. ”Back” is a tricky word in the context. It is not usually said that you have been tricked into being physically abused, but when it comes to mental abuse, there is a great deal of ignorance..

Given some of the reactions I have received after the book, I am not alone in the notion that there must be something directly wrong with the person who becomes ” lurad”. There is more than one who has said” But you??? You are neither stupid nor ugly???”

None of the above had made the abuses less brutal, but it is also an interesting thing to consider. Apparently, underförstått, it would be more okay if some – dumb, sargade, fula – exposed.

As usual, I slip into various discussions in my blog, and can not keep me academic to the subject.

Hur som helst, that the CONVERSATIONS have begun is … fantastic because it is a first step both for those who need to be healed and for those around them, and for everyone else who thinks they are safe. And that the conversations then deepen and at the same time branch out as if completely new trees are emerging in what has been fog and deadly silence, är … a clear and absolutely wonderfully gripping sign of the inherent power of man. But it does not happen in solitude. The conversation, the meetings, man against man, and basically the love between people is required. Människor, who carried the shock and wounds double-folded in silence, stretches and suddenly moves forward with eager steps, inspired by the mysterious and marvelous in that … so to speak receive life as it has become. But with the abolition of silence, of what is sometimes called carelessness ” shame” begins the movement away from the catatonic, terrible conditions in the pitchless darkness a psychopath leaves behind, an awful darkness that only continues to obliterate the one already sacrificed.

The language, thought…. that's what makes the difference. But you have to dare to use it with each other. Away with the silence.

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Is good. It is good that we have respect for each other's integrity. But it is difficult to know where the line goes; how far can one go in asking questions about another person's life. I think especially of if you fear that something is not really good in the other person's life.

This is a difficult balancing act. It is difficult because you are afraid of losing the other person's trust, in case you question too much. Or to simply hurt the other. To maybe even get rid of the relationship if you ask something too uncomfortable.

And how far are we ourselves prepared to let someone else show their concern and care for us, and endure uncomfortable questions? We probably do not perceive them as care, but get provoked, closes us, waves away and does everything to avoid the subject that can create a bad mood, maybe a knot on the thread. Although the other only acted out of consideration, oro, love.

The responsibility goes in two directions. How far one is prepared to endure the possible questions and care of others – and how far we dare to go in knocking on someone else's privacy shield because we worry.

Above all, it is difficult to know where the line of someone's integrity lies, when it comes to even adult children. All parents are afraid that their children will turn their backs. Then maybe you choose to instead try to think away what you are worried about, signs you think you see, fears that the child himself may not yet have perceived, but as one might assume will come true, when everything may have gone get far. Even though one's parental responsibility never ends. But especially when it comes to adult children, is the easiest to think ”But he / she is an adult. I have no right to have opinions.”

I understand that it must be a little hell with people who have to get involved in everything and have opinions about everything. You have the right to live your life in your own way! But still, I wish people got involved a little more in each other's lives. Behind ”integrity” any amount of devilry can spread. And then you stand there ; ”I felt it in me!” och ” Actually, I saw it, but I was not sure, I did not want to hurt him / her , I was afraid he / she would turn my back on me and never want to see me again, so therefore I never said anything…” It is so common that we react that way! At the same time, something may still be gnawing at us, the idea that we should still try to address what we are worried about, or think we see.

It's so hard to know. But I still wish everyone, every, took courage and talked to the person we think might be hurting, or as we fear will go bad soon, in a relationship, due to a decision, at a workplace, whatever it is…. We should not be so afraid of being rejected.

You can always say ” I may be wrong, but I'm afraid this and that is happening to you and you do not have to defend yourself or explain anything to me, but I want you to know that I am here and will be here and you should not be afraid to turn to me if that day comes…”

It is better than being silent and pretending that you have perceived something wrong or that you are probably worrying unnecessarily or simply settling down to have ”respect for the integrity of the other”. They get order, stated on a single occasion, can make such a big difference – perhaps crucial – for the other person.

It does not have to be about such serious and brutal things as psychopaths, eller domestic violence, alcoholism or the like, it can be a prestigious assignment, about keeping working to death , about prioritizing errors, or about taking too much responsibility.

It is after all with the conversation that we move on. And get things in place, or get things rolling, or realize – in consultation with someone else – something we have not really had time to see. The conversations must also contain what feels uncomfortable and challenging.

Sometimes I think we shun the discomfort too much. Everything should just be nice and smooth all the time. And some have stopped talking to each other at all – about the most important things. They write ” jag älskar dig!” on Facebook or text each other when they have come into conflict and do not talk face to face, which makes one so much more vulnerable… and human and true.

We need to nurture conversations with each other. So that there is margin to say… of, I'm wondering if this is really good with your relationship…. or whatever it may be about. Following each other is not following each other's beautiful images on social media. Following each other is something much closer, braver and more sensitive. And it provides all the power a human being needs.

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