Endorphins

You get happy jumping. It's just so. And you have to jump, the older you get, to stay supple. You should jump like when you were little, jumping steps and joy jumps and angry jumps. All kinds of bouncing and jumping perk up and lubricate the cartilage.

Besides that you can also dance of course. Extra tough mornings I put on Strauss and spin around in Viennese waltz – it is impossible not to. I think of the hippos who dance so happily in Fantasia ( but that was enough for the Nutcracker?) but most of all I do not think at all, but just gliding forward in all my huge amounts of halls in my castle. My grandchildren hang out if they're nearby, tinder eyes but perhaps most fascinated by the grandmother's sudden spin. It's not that demanding, that morning dance, so you can take it if you are really tough. But I dance to any music, depending on the mood. One of the most fun is having a fast disco. It is also something you can introduce in your workplace! Snabbdisco. Much better than pouring in even more coffee and glaring at a mobile. Most recently, I discovered that I can headbang without getting completely dizzy. I definitely would not have been able to while the Destroyer was working because my head was already like a boiled egg. Then it was best to keep it very still on the neck and look carefully to the side and side if even that.

I started with a PT. I was so badly forced because I completely lack discipline. Before, I did not lack discipline at all, it was my showpiece, but after the destruction it is still dissolved. Mostly because I can now sleep and it is so lovely to sleep without anxiety and dream a lot of interesting dreams. It is an experience to wake up completely calm, something so new to me that I simply have to sleep on sometimes just to wake up once more the same morning, still without anxiety.

It was discount as luck would have it, at PT- the package. I took way too much of my small money to pay for a number of PT times but I did it STILL! I ignored the fact that I always had to keep in mind that money is not enough. I've had enough of them before, it can probably go with now. And it was FORCED.

If I'm going to move forward, To recapture the joy of life and power, I must spend this expense. It is not possible to eat forever. So now I made this decision to also GET something . Admittedly work to get it but GET SOMETHING FOR YOUR OWN PART, for my health. And since ancient times I know how good it is with strength training for the head and body and the whole soul. I started with it after my divorce and had never intended to stop exercising but then the psychopath came.

My PT tells me to jump. Det gör jag. Det är roligt. And it's fun to be strong, and fun to realize that there is still a lot of strength left, which is only there. But even if it is there, it must be maintained. We want as much muscle as possible now that we ( so I ) starting to get old! Because even if sixty is not as old as sixty was twenty years ago, it is still the case that the organism is older. And there is nothing to fiddle with. I almost dare not tell people that I have a PT, because it really is luxury. Men som sagt, I'm still in the process of building my life, create it again into something I recognize as mine, something that forms a good and healthy and happy foundation for me. Like I had it before.

Singing also makes one happy. Not if you beep shyly because then you squeeze your voice. If you stop everything because you are afraid of sounding stupid or seeming silly, all flow ends. It's not just about singing, it applies to EVERYTHING. But when it comes to singing; even if you hold back on your song and are careful, you will STILL be a little happier with it. Like magic.

Think of all the children. They both jump and dance and sing, liksom i förbifarten. It is a completely natural expression with us and we should not stop it, because we are adults. Tvärtom. Is there anything more wonderful than hearing a child sing to himself while doing something?? Then you know that the child is well. I notice that I also sing a lot more to myself now, so all indications are that I'm really happy again. It almost makes me lose my breath. Tänk! In man there is such a force that we can be happy again, even though we never, never thought so.

And yesterday I went on my old run again, for the first time in three years. Of course not Sam's driving! But in the fall 2012 when I started trying to really back away from him and his disgusting manipulations, threats and nagging ( I lost) so I started in another choir. That was when I FINALLY got him out of my home,( thanks to Tim, my friend moved in. Ha ha, it was absolutely wonderful! ) I did NOT want to go in Sam's choir of course, for those were the occasions we could be seen and he could hook on to me. But it's clear he did not allow me to stop. If you're thinking now ”What allowed? You were free?” can you read The Destroyer. It is reminiscent of what his defense attorney said in court ” You say he isolated you. You were free. Did he hold you captive or?” But Sam kept the value of almost my entire condominium in his fists, and at all levels he had placed various threats – if I did not do as he expected and wanted he would disappoint me, that is, never pay back, simply disappear. Because those who did not do as he pleased were his enemies. BUT I secretly went to Cecilia's choir for at least a year and also attended the concerts. And it was with her, because she also gives the whole choir knowledge in singing technique, as my expired voice came back. And the JOY of singing.

Then I surprised Sam by suddenly singing without hindrance and it sounded really beautiful. He immediately boasted that this huge progress was due to him and that I had finally listened to him. Then I had a hard time recovering from dreaming to him with the other secret choir. But because I wanted it for myself – it was my sanctuary – I said nothing about Cecilia. That fall, just before I fell completely, I had several constructive plans to make it. If I had followed them, my own cunning secret plans, had I been in a much better seat today. But I fell anyway, exhausted, ill with high fever, and in a sense that the last door slammed shut in front of me. But I have already written about that in the book. That was what so many have told me ” a terrible story, which one does not want to believe is true.” Still, only a few percent fit in the book. Och… this is what i want to come to: I can promise I've had many awful days when I thought I never, never, could never be happy again, days as I breathed through hour by hour, so to speak and now I mean the time AFTER I got loose, the difficult time that has since been, then all hope was gone. YOU CAN BE HAPPY AGAIN.

NOW Cecilia has started her choir again and it was so FUN to go there. Everyone is so HAPPY to sing and it's so FUN songs and she's so AMAZINGLY GOOD leader. The atmosphere was great.

I had forgotten how fun it is. That must be absolutely true, that it is super good for human well-being to sing together. We have always done that. We have danced together, sung together, told together. We need this! It is deep in our cells.

We need to play!

This with playing is a deeply serious story. You should not abandon the game!

Remember that. It is important to break and play. I remember when I read about how adults played at parties a long time ago. Blindbock and other. Now you no longer even roll off the carpet but people sit and nag and nag. Play more! Jump, dance and sing!

A man I was with once in a lifetime said ” You have to dance down in the grave. You are never too old to dance, sing, love, leka!”

He was a happy dot.