In a couple of weeks there will be ”Ödeläggaren” in stores!

The book, Ödeläggaren, on the way.

A couple of weeks ago it was sent to the printing house and I changed something a couple of hours before. It's been a tough job. Tungt. distressing. But also exciting.

It has been exciting – and awful – for myself to bone up how things went, how the psychopath gained power over me. It has been exciting and awful to see his method, his plan and everything I could never comprehend and understand no matter how hard I tried. There was not in my world that everything could be games.

In order to be able to describe what has happened at all, I have cleared away most of it, all wrong ways, siding, all the contradictions and other things that he bombarded me with for days on end and just tried to keep me on track in the story, so that it should be possible as a reader to follow what is happening. I have sorted and cleaned until my eyes bled to be able to carve out a somewhat understandable path. But really, everything was much more complicated and complex and confusing than in the book and it is simply impossible to describe it. No one would be able to keep up with the text.

I understand that there are not many books written from the victims' point of view because you as a victim lose your ability to think. You stop trusting your perception and your conclusions. You lose your orientation and start to trust the perpetrator more and more. It's part of their method. They all seem to have gone to the same school, but they know this by themselves and have usually trained for a long time. I could barely write the book, I felt such pure physical resistance to dealing with all those words that he forced on me and dismantled me with and which at the same time was the only thing I could stick to, while everything was going on. But it is completely understandable that no one has had the strength to write about their similar experiences before, because it is almost impossible. I have apparently succeeded quite well, but I will always still feel that I have not really been able to convey it all. It is simply not possible.

The purpose of writing The Destroyer has been to provide other tools. And restoration. All the others who have not had 23 diaries and thousands of emails available. And have not had the space in the world to write a book. I want others who have been exposed to have a greater understanding of others – and feel greater respect for themselves. For the truth is that each of us who has been exposed to a person with psychopathic traits, has continually tried to make the wisest decisions of the moment. Alla, each and everyone of us, have struggled alone to try to understand what is going on.

There is an agreement between us humans, which is fundamental and completely self-evident, which we never reflect on. Like if we are standing at a pedestrian crossing and a car stops for us, we know we can go over safely. we do not think that the unknown person behind the wheel will accelerate and drive over us just when we are most unprotected out at the crosswalk. But that's what this type of perpetrator does, destroyers do. For them, there are no agreements, no reciprocity, nothing implied conservation and protective.

The book has been read by a few paragraphs and I was not prepared for the reactions of others. For me, it has only been important to finally get ready so that others can understand how such terrible and devastating abuses take place. – those that happen all the time in silence and where the victims often remain silent and feel ashamed – and I have actually not thought so much about the fact that I end up in focus with the book myself. That was not the purpose. But it will of course be so. I was not prepared for the strong reactions I have received. Those who have read are extremely upset. ”You probably do not understand yourself how striking your story is”, said my publisher the other day. Nej, det gör jag inte. Partly because I still suffer from what is called ” normalisering” can I believe, but also because I am used to the situation now and can not see it from the outside with the same horror. But I myself get very shaken when I see how shaken others become. I simply have not really understood what I have really been through , yet I have written about it and gone into it again – despite not really understanding how awful it is!

Then I think of all the hundreds of thousands, millions of people who have been and will be exposed – and how lost you feel, how empty and black and hollow even the interior becomes, how lonely you are then when you get out of it precisely because no one can really understand what has happened to you, and you can never really explain it. I can not imagine a worse nightmare than to carry all this and never be able to tell about it. Not even for himself. Because you have lost the orientation on the road and the brain… for psychopaths primarily attack one's brain. Everything is there but it is so much and has happened on so many layers and levels – they use everything they can to take power over another human being – that it is not possible, can never find the words. In addition, it is precisely the WORD that has hurt one, who has worn one down until one has lost oneself.

So then… then I hope that my book The Destroyer can be useful to others, for all the others who have been through similar, for all those around them who may understand a little more and who may be able to look at their loved one with greater respect and tenderness ; for the victim has fought a lone fierce battle against a monster, a giant, and waged a struggle every moment which unfortunately is completely impossible to win. The only thing you can do in a meeting with a person with psychopathic traits is to lose, lose, lose.

I have not won either. But I have written the book. And it's on its way to the counters.