One week left until the release of The Destroyer!

Now is the time, för mig, suddenly become a bit like waking up walking in soft grass, wet from the night dew. You hesitate before putting your sleepy naked foot down in the grass, but when it does, one is filled with a strange, surprised feeling. Aha, is that how it can be, is it so nice and beautiful, is it so it is not to feel hunted?

It's been so long since I was free. In the head. It's been so long since there was a day in front of me that could offer what it wanted. So long ago I could feel calm.

But now I have done what chased me, it chased me almost as much as the time during ”the power of the destroyer”- nej, it is not possible to compare- men ändå, it has been chasing me, this to be able to write the book. Trying to explain how extremely manipulative people with psychopathic traits – in the absence of affective empathy but gifted with cognitive empathy – obliterates and destroys its victims. I would not rest until I had gone through my thousand written pages – where a huge thinning and sorting of reality has already taken place – and somehow got control of them so that it could be a text possible for others to follow. It has almost created panic in me, ibland.

Completely voluntarily, I have let my mind be occupied by all that is some of the worst I have been through – and the worst thing about it is that it's so hard to explain ! – for two extra years, Daily, from the time I woke up until I fell asleep exhausted. But I knew I could not do otherwise. Because if there is to be any meaning to what has happened, is that I can write a book that can help others. Which can help lift the shame from the victims, which can help others to redress and which at best can save others from perishing. So there was a joke that it was I who happened to this particular person. Because I, in any case, have a slightly greater opportunity than the one who is not a writer to describe it.

He made the right choice in most ways when he chose me. I was a persistent prey. He used my honesty, empathy, my perseverance. I'm probably his most successful catch. Men ändå… it was not really well thought out maybe to choose one that wrote down a lot in my diaries. I did not do it out of disbelief, mainly , but mostly to try to orient myself.

Now the book IS!

I have received the first copy in the mailbox and am slowly beginning to understand it. And along part of the process, but only in recent years, I have sometimes expressed my anguish on Facebook and received so much support and strength in return! and now… now I am moved and grateful that so many express joy for my sake, because this book actually exists! I am lucky, for alone I had perished completely. No one is strong alone.

There are heroic tales, but no one is strong alone. But to be alone with a beast in human form – for that is what a human being becomes without affective empathy but with ambition and drive – is a safe way to go under. And making one's victim alone is part of the method of seizing power. Så, let's not abandon each other! Lift your eyes and look into each other's eyes, please hold.

Men, to work on the book, this absolute necessity – also became a capsule. I did not have time to be human otherwise, just a little! Now it's clear and I'm taking my cautious steps in the morning dew. Out of the shadows.

It sounds dramatic. It's not that dangerously dramatic. But on the other hand, life is actually dramatic, even in the small. You can still admit that. We are not safe. We do not know how well anchored we are, we just think we know, but if the boat shakes, it is easy to notice how everything changes. Minimum shift, the slightest movement must then be interpreted, remeasured. It can be about simple things, as the different gaze of a loved one. Or that someone does not answer. Our lives are made up of millions of tiny little building blocks that we soon take for granted. Så är det inte. Så… ja, it actually feels like gently putting my bare feet in the dew, in the grass that is still in the shade, gently lift your chin and see that the day is beautiful and that it seems to be in front of me in some kind of temporary calm.

Det är bra. Getting there.

One thing is for sure. Regardless of my ambition and effort and perseverance in writing the book, I would not have survived everyday life without the three-year work scholarship the Swedish Writers' Fund gave me 2018. It had not helped to have supportive loved ones and close ones, it had not helped to get continuous therapy, it had not helped to be able to handle the words and the language in bright moments, it would not have helped to be the admittedly exhausted but still stubborn writer's soul I still seem to be… NOTHING had helped. Without the Authors' Fund's three-year scholarship, one thing is certain: I had perished. The destroyer had silenced me.