If I hate?

people wonder. Nej. It's a far too active feeling. I've never hated the destroyer. Maybe some brief moment when I have remembered one of all the hundreds of times when he looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked for my support, in his struggle for his child – now that I've done. How he used both me, my compassion, and his child who was his tool.

Men nej, I do not go around hating. It has never bothered me. It feels strange. The man is a psychopath. Psychopaths have an injury. It is innate. They understand the world in a different way than the rest of us. He has, of course, made his conscious choices, all the time to break me down and bind me to him, use my empathy and my sense of responsibility, but based on their damaged conditions. Nä, I do not feel hatred. It would have been hard. Hatred consumes oneself and leads nowhere.

However, I think a lot about it all. Right now there is a certain kneading because so many people contact me, with similar experiences. Of course, it is not the case that everyone has lost their opportunities for a decent life financially, but for many, this spinoff has come in handy, but everyone talks about and recognizes the degradation. They have also been strong, självständiga, thinking people who never thought they could come across something like this.

What has followed in the footsteps of the book are many different conversations. It is the best. People who have had bad experiences in the same way have started talking, with his friends, their close. The important thing is that it is now easier to talk about it, open, that people stop feeling ashamed because they have been extremely manipulated by another with an insidious and heartless agenda, that they have methodically become mentally worn out ( as a common thread through the stories of many goes insomnia! That seems to be the first step; ensure that the victim is never allowed to recover, do not get a full night of undisturbed sleep at any time) and that as a result it has lost its power over itself – på olika sätt. That people tell their loved ones; it's a big step! And that perhaps in general one begins to understand that these crimes are so much more brutal and terrible than ” sun and spring” – the epithet with attached performance suggests. I'm so grateful I was never in love with this person because in that case he would have ruined too much. And so it is for most people; very many victims of psychopaths have been entangled in duality and love. I can not imagine the horror and vulnerability of it. What is called ” sun and spring.”

Men sedan, when the conversations about the abuse itself and the consequences for an individual and that person's close, has started to ebb out – which are so important! – makes other calls. The existential, the moral issues. And the search for reflections, after perspective and after inspiration for the wounded soul begins. And if the conversation then exists – you can share it and if you share it, so much more happens than if you also carry the healing alone. Man, as a victim, can then see new doors open, to new paths, which even though so much is important in oneself and one's existence is destroyed in a way one cannot even put into words – yet new forms emerge in the interior, where small rippling streams – with sun in! – can poke forward. Our understanding of life is deepened. Our understanding of who we are as human beings in relation to others, something that is constantly changing. But through this road that is so difficult you see, if you look back, that you have made certain decisions that are often in the sign of love and for that you can feel pride. Despite all the hardships, despite the confusion, have you stuck to the idea that things should be good, that one can take responsibility for it, that one is even willing to use one's last forces to take responsibility for carrying everything to the end; where everything will be fine. Admittedly, one has been seduced and psychologically exposed, but one has held one's banner high and been faithful to one's own ideals and ideas about human goodness. This is exactly what the psychopath has often used, but nonetheless: one was not spineless, they went through the blizzard and did not give up.

Time and time again along my path to doom, laid out through the darkness by the perpetrator, I realized that I was faced with moral choices. I felt that my never-before-questioned complacency was challenged. The idea of ​​my humanism. Of course, it was foolish of me to hold on to my own morals when I was dealing with a completely unscrupulous person in the absence of all morals., but it was something he successfully hid. In my eyes, he was desperate, extradited, desperate, father who alone fought to save his son from a destructive upbringing. He played this skilfully until a special point when he instead became more threatening, but then it was too late. Through all the decisive decisions I was followed by his acute despair and the boy's big eyes and through these decisive months went my perception of morality. I had promised to help the poor man and his children and who would I be if I let them down? I doubted him at the same time as I trusted him completely, but it gave me no room for movement. Now I will not present myself as more noble than I was – in parallel with the provocative morality there was fear, confusion and exhaustion. Some horror. But after all, it was just emotions and emotions can not control! When I tried to figure out what to do when he confronted me with his desperate hopes ( claim ) to borrow more money to build their lives with the child, and I hired my reason my reason told me that I must follow my morals. Do not get caught up in emotions like anxiety, confusion and fear. They could not be grounded in reality, they were just expressions of my own troubled interior. My superego told me that I must follow my morals and not cowardly back and forth, when I had promised to help. It's almost laughable!

Above all, it is laughable that I met this man in the church where he was so well rooted in his activities for many years without me being the slightest church or believer. Still, I followed, so to speak, the message of loving my neighbor as myself. And just this with this intruder! Ja, until the point when he had snared and worked me so much that there was only the devastation left, to then get quiet on me and move on. (Say what you want, but it is a good framework for moral reflection, I had never been able to come up with such a good drama myself. Above all, it is a mammoth beginning at the altar, the first meeting between us. )

But based on all the stories I have now received from other people who have been through similar devastation, this is also it – with their own dignity, the inner rising, morals – a common thread. These are people whose values ​​are strong. People who are persistent in their belief in these values. People who reflect on humanity, and our responsibility to each other. People who do not just look after themselves and people who have a perception that they have mental, soulful and loving margins. People who can temporarily put themselves in the second place to give to the needy ( Psychopaths are very often in need) power and space, people who are willing to assist and support. In other words, people with a healthy ability to connect and trust others, with a constructive attitude to problems and shortcomings and a strong belief in the possibilities of others, then gifted with perseverance.

Det är – also according to what I have read and been told by psychiatrists and psychologists – often such people who fall victim to psychopaths. People who are the way you wish everyone were. Driven by love, of kindness, of loyalty and openness. It can be good to know if you consider yourself a good and strong person – something that most of us think we are!

Personally, I thought that those who were so heavenly strange that they encountered such things radiated a desire for submission, smelled blood. Or that they were generally lost, rootless, clear of the wind, in desperate longing for belonging, even if it was fake and raw and cruel. Or that they were stupid in the head. Though I did not think much about it, more than I sometimes said ” but my God!” when reading any notice about someone who ” lurats” of millions. ”Back” is a tricky word in the context. It is not usually said that you have been tricked into being physically abused, but when it comes to mental abuse, there is a great deal of ignorance..

Given some of the reactions I have received after the book, I am not alone in the notion that there must be something directly wrong with the person who becomes ” lurad”. There is more than one who has said” But you??? You are neither stupid nor ugly???”

None of the above had made the abuses less brutal, but it is also an interesting thing to consider. Apparently, underförstått, it would be more okay if some – dumb, sargade, fula – exposed.

As usual, I slip into various discussions in my blog, and can not keep me academic to the subject.

Hur som helst, that the CONVERSATIONS have begun is … fantastic because it is a first step both for those who need to be healed and for those around them, and for everyone else who thinks they are safe. And that the conversations then deepen and at the same time branch out as if completely new trees are emerging in what has been fog and deadly silence, är … a clear and absolutely wonderfully gripping sign of the inherent power of man. But it does not happen in solitude. The conversation, the meetings, man against man, and basically the love between people is required. Människor, who carried the shock and wounds double-folded in silence, stretches and suddenly moves forward with eager steps, inspired by the mysterious and marvelous in that … so to speak receive life as it has become. But with the abolition of silence, of what is sometimes called carelessness ” shame” begins the movement away from the catatonic, terrible conditions in the pitchless darkness a psychopath leaves behind, an awful darkness that only continues to obliterate the one already sacrificed.

The language, thought…. that's what makes the difference. But you have to dare to use it with each other. Away with the silence.