Often it is too late, or very far gone, when you discover that someone close to the victim of assault, physical or mental or both – physical abuse are also emotional abuse and physical abuse is often the next step in psychological abuse.
Då, when it's too late, or when too much has happened, When the subject is already in many ways has already gone under, may be dead, asks the surroundings if they saw any signs. If the victim signaled? Why did we not?
Self subjected me for psychological abuse in combination with fraud – the culprit has been sentenced to three years in prison, which I can refer to if anyone questions me. Since you as a victim can also be questioned afterwards, it is quite nice to have society's confirmation that the crimes have been committed, a fact that in itself helps me heal. The majority does not get that redress.
But the question is; I signaled on the way, that I was sick, that I finally felt so bad that I was wary of the subway and other dangerous places for fear of the anxiety that was loaded in me, the anxiety that could cause me to lose control of what I had left; my living life, the anxiety he was guilty of, which he filled me with in the act and meaning to devastate what he could.
My loved ones have blamed themselves. ”Why did I not walk on you anymore? Why did I not ask you more?”
I have said ” nej, you could not!” I really want to lift from them the feeling of guilt. They had none. Det är sant, no one had been able to pinpoint what turned out to be the truth, because I denied it in my fear. This is, among other things, how a perpetrator can ravage, behind the victim's own fear. The victim's panic becomes a tool for the perpetrator. The perpetrator also has great opportunities to exercise his power behind what we call personal integrity.
It was easy for me to wave away questions, in a confidently careless way, if anyone still wondered. ”Nej nej, all is well.” Who then insists? Nej, you calm down, you think she knows herself, she could not have looked so calm and obvious, she would not have sounded so reassuring in her voice if she hovered in danger or feared she was ill out. She is an adult competent person.
Nor is it just that we all have respect for each other's integrity, we also want it to be good for our friends and our loved ones, so when we get a reassuring message, we settle down. Puh!
The victim is also relieved – to avoid more questions.
When you are exposed, the moments are when you get to hang out with your dear lighthouses in the dark. These are the moments that give strength to continue to bear that catastrophe, the chaos that threatens even me. You do not want to infect the moments that are even the only refuge with anxiety. It is so important to forget your anxiety for a while with a friend or family member. All one's energy can be directed to that meeting, three o'clock, that cup of tea with my friend – then I can breathe for a while!
Those moments make you survive. Should one signal that something was unfortunate and completely wrong, that you are afraid and do not understand what is happening, do not understand how the conditions for one's existence are suddenly completely changed and oneself no longer has the power over one's life, just in the only moments when you get some peace? Nej. It feels like life is in danger. You would break. And if even friends became worried, one would then go home alone and face one's existence with that anxiety? Nej, you have to get home a little stronger, to have a little more strength.
I did not think I had reached out for help once.
But when I look back on the years I was exposed, when I now read my diaries to write my upcoming book, I realize I was trying to call for help. Jag trodde inte det. But I did, repeatedly. But how, how would anyone notice? It is impossible for anyone to notice!
I realize I was leaking out shouts, small small cries for help, a little here and a little there and not for a short time, but over a long period of time. How should anyone be able to detect it? When I was about to break down, implodera, then something happened, any little information to one, and something else to another. But if any of those I signaled to had returned to me and asked… what was that? Tell me? What is going on? … I would not have answered. Absolut inte! I had panicked. My panic had made me angry, I had milled away, I might have attacked like a captured injured animal, or tried to deliver something obvious, in a cool and distancing way. I would definitely not answer. I definitely would not have been accommodating and said thank you for wondering, well i think something is going to hell! Nej. That's not how it works.
It is good to know. That's not how it works.
But if those who suspected something had turned to someone else instead, any friend or relative around me and asked ” Have you noticed anything on her? Is something happening? Have you heard something?” then they could have gotten puzzle pieces. And with the pieces of the puzzle, the next step could be taken to approach me.
So I think it has to happen. So there is a chance to break the annihilation of a human being.
You have to ask the others, those around the person in question. Maybe they've got a clue too, a shard. I think the victim does just that; seeps out a little here and a little there… and then closes quickly and hard, dare not try again.
Because you are terrified. The orientation has been lost. You panic. If no one sucks in the small moment that you probably surprisingly for yourself dared to put your whole life at risk, or what one believes is the whole of existence, if no one nibbles at the moment when the little, small pipe will close hard again and it can take a long time, long long time before leaking a small alarm again. Maybe never.
So I think we, we who are the environment – for we are when we are not the victims – and it can turn around quickly, för alla, in principle all, can fall victim to mental and physical abuse – if we suspect that something is not right, we should consult with the others who surround the person we think is exposed. It's practiced love, practiced care.
A perpetrator is usually weaker than his victim's network. With that comes light.
But we should not think that the vulnerable / e ropar ” hurra, finally! ” if we ”come to help”. We should not think that we can make a heroic effort on white horses. The victim is terrified, worn out and confused. The victim sometimes does not dare to leave the reality he has been forced into. The victim may struggle with beaks and claws to remain in their distorted reality because seeing what has actually happened hurts so deep down in one's root system that one cannot understand how to survive in a ”then”.
I do not blame my surroundings because I know that I signaled very little and that I was good at pretending that everything was under control. And I understand the respect for integrity. I myself have a great deal of respect for the integrity of others.
Men, because we all wonder; how to detect abuses that take place in our vicinity, when people actually suddenly go under right in front of our eyes, so I wanted to share what I believe from the victim's perspective; you signal but only very small and rarely. You spread out the little things, the small shards of different people in one's vicinity for no one can know everything.
You can not bear to know everything yourself.
So if you are worried about someone close to you; primarily contact others in the vicinity of the victim and talk to them, do not think that the victim will meet you on the road.
