Lucky for me anyway that the apartment whose lease I could get over after losing my condominium in Söder Torn, Medborgarplatsen, Södermalm, Stockholm because of Sam, ödeläggaren, lies where it lies. I ended up in a friendly suburb, next to a large hissing wilderness.
None of that I had known, if I had continued to tread the concrete around Medis. Nothing about the indescribable forest walks in all kinds of weather – with experiences of nature that make me teary-eyed, breathless, gives a feeling of both blessing and melancholy. By blessing I do not mean anything to do with God in the religious sense.
Livet!
I've never been close, not since the divorce and always been able to appreciate and enjoy the little things, and challenged by having little cash. Now that challenge has taken off, but I'm actually good at it, and that makes me proud. I find nice things cheap. I put together my home with used but good nice things. Cheap. The block is perfect. But there are also some to be found in the garbage room. There I have found dining chairs – and nice shoe rack painted in nice color, a folding table ( which I sold at Blocket – it was very popular) – different variants of functional dish racks, a sideboard, med mera. I got a sofa from an acquaintance after asking on FB and it was later replaced with a sofa I had to take over after my son who had taken it over after his father's former donna. A very good sofa! Since I do not have a sewing machine and can not afford to sew up cases, I bought fabric from Carlsons, real sofa fabric but not in the exact color I wanted unfortunately, and so I have attached it with safety pins. They go up all the time but still! It works!
Lately I have also fixed my balcony which I never dared to sit on before for fear that the destroyer would find me and which I therefore dressed up as some kind of deterrent pounding tent. But now I've been to Rusta, a friend has driven me and I have laid a nice floor and have flowers in pots, light garlands and windbreaks. Really cozy. Absolutely wonderful, although it is small and slightly misplaced. I feel so proud when I look at it. And it only cost a thousand kroner to make it so nice.
In addition, my handy neighbor helped me lay a floor before Christmas, the floor is bright and durable and was on sale and lifted the atmosphere throughout the home. Floors are important. The floors that were here when I arrived and that I had to live with for almost six years were made of disgusting old linoleum, full of little weird holes that collected shit, and never went to get clean. As soon as I saw them, I was reminded of my sad situation and just that: that it was ugly and could not even be cleaned made everything feel hopeless at once. I had my home before , you know, a home I had fought for, a beautiful home with beautiful floors and windows and city views, a safe and secure home. Which I lost because of the tenfold crime.
But this new floor makes me happier. I almost float forward on it. It made me start singing to myself. It gave me the energy to dance, which I used to do out of pure zest for life every morning – before Sam, the fake, the psychopath and the destroyer broke into my home with their fake sorrows and appealed to a humanity I unfortunately happened to own. But I'm moving forward, stubbornly, slowly and partly trembling I create something again – for myself.
And one morning, just a couple of weeks ago, I realized I could not stand the unhygienic ugly bathroom here anymore. There has been a bathtub before I came here and I want it again. Because the landlord does nothing for us, you have to do it yourself. I found the brand new bathtub on Blocket and after I fought a whole day to tear and screw and pry off various things that made every day a bitter struggle, the bathtub was delivered the next morning. And with some new purchases and some ingenuity, I now also have a nice bathroom. I hardly think it's true. A couple of mirror cabinets that I bought at Blocket are going up with the help of the neighbor, bara, then it's completely clear! It's so I can cry.
I am creating a new home for myself. Bit for bit. With very little money and thanks to the inspiration at the right moment in terms of the whimsical offer at Blocket! And to top it all off; now I have bought a dishwasher. It cost a thousand kroner.
Since then, I have not been able to sleep all night, tormented by anxiety that has acquired a purely bodily expression, so terrible stomach ache of nervousness! All the anxiety that Sam placed in me triggered. Hur ska det gå? How do I manage?? How the hell have I been able to spend money on a dishwasher and more? I have no margins! I did not receive a scholarship from the Authors' Fund, nor any crisis support, the book The Destroyer sells very well, but it is about twelve kronor net per book sold and a couple of kronor per sold e-book or audiobook. What do I do?? What do I think? How can I be so careless and generous? I will surely perish at least now! The precipice opens beneath me as soon as I have done something good for myself.
I do not know what is right. Probably to continue as I have done especially the last six years with actually barely even buying food, in the fear that everything will disappear, that no new money should come in. But I can not bear to live like that. I can not create based on that, be happy, want something. Jag tänker ” What if I stay? 94 years as my mother – how the hell am I supposed to be able to live and eat until then? How fun can it be? Not at all!”
I simply have to decide that I have done the right thing in creating a more enjoyable life for myself, try to make this place I ended up in a home I feel good in, not to a place that in its worn-out shape in the wrong place cemented me in the misfortune that the destroyer left behind – fully aware of his deed – an accident whose consequences society does not help the victim in.
And it's a nice place, I have been lucky because I walk in the wild forest and get to experience something as enchanting as hiking in high blueberry rice, full of light purple-pink budding blueberries, surrounded by hundreds of thousands of budding lilies of the valley, far below the tall old trees. Squirrels perform their acrobatic arts over me, the beautiful deer graze next to me, the raven shouts and I get lots of vitamins from the light green sour spruce shoots, while I think about life, and take a break before I go home and get scared again over the counter dishwasher for a thousand kroner.
