Cancel out the moment, return to the turbulence and try to be wise

Back.

I have not written anything in almost a month. I took vacation. It has been full of immediate presence, not many moments for reflection, and good it is. If my free weeks, I will not speak.

Now, it approaches, the time when I'll start again. Skriva. Arbetet. The book. Ödeläggarens deed. The tenfold crime. To be forced to lift myself out of the immediate present and see the whole, feel the anxiety in the stomach, the heat in the head, the fear of not being able to cope after all. I've made it. My soul. I have a basic cheerfulness and a thousand other strengths, inner and outer and in dear people and millions of other things.

But nothing is secured, is it? Or am I so used to living in the feeling of vulnerability after his deed that I simply can not see that yes… it will go well. No, I am realistic when I suddenly realize in a lonely horror that nothing is secured, nothing is secured. He can still defeat me because of the consequences of his crimes. Not him, not him personally, not what he says and does and makes me believe, not the insulation and disassembly and entanglement he exposed me to…. I've made it. But the consequence. He's not even present. I have won. But the consequence has power over me. Lack of money – which is the consequence of his deed- is my daily struggle that can easily overthrow me. anybody.

Många, almost everyone, believe that society, the state compensates victims when the criminal does not do it himself. Most criminals do not have a white salary for the Enforcement Officer to take some from and give to the justified damages. Most criminals do not have all the money they have stolen!  And the state does not intervene and cover. One could imagine that the state paid it as a victim of crime mist – in my case the value of my condominium –  and that the perpetrator owed the state money instead of his victim. If so, I would not have continued to be exposed to his deeds, som nu. Now it continues to work in the innermost part of my life. For me, maybe it's a little extra unfortunate because I do not have a regular job that I can go to and continue to receive my monthly salary. I have to work from the power of my inner self, it's what I can create from and that's what a writer does to earn a living. It's a step 22. To have the inner strength and power, you must have the security to know that you can live and eat, at least at my age.

Många, most, are surprised to hear that there is no protection in this situation, that the state does not help the vulnerable financially when it has been confirmed by the state that a serious crime has been committed against an individual citizen. In practice, I still run the risk of becoming homeless, exactly what the perpetrator's act was causing. What has been gained then? Ja, one goal has been won. I won. He got three years in prison. But he is most likely not even left in the country but performs his evil deed elsewhere. Many are the convicted criminals who go free. It's basically just not showing up at the jail on the day you are called. You are wanted, but how big is the risk of being inhaled? Especially if you have already fled the country?  But I'm still extremely happy and proud that I won. That I managed it so gallantly. That he got his sentence. It is my eternal victory. I'm a winner. But still exposed.

During a couple of weeks off, I have not thought about it so much. Admittedly, I am reminded of that very often, because I do not have normal opportunities to spend money – because they do not exist. And money is needed most of the time. It's CURRENTLY boring to be reminded of and worse is that it obviously characterizes a. It makes me tired, it makes me a little bitter. I can not without weighing one against the other buy a can of blue paint to paint an old piece of furniture. Nej, There are other things that are more important to have the money for. The nights' sleep is at times completely shattered by worries about how the FAN I will manage. Who wants to hear it? No one so clear, for no one can do anything about it. And I do not want to scare people away by mumbling sour bitter things about money so then you have to keep quiet. But I write a little about this because I think it's important. It is important to understand how easy it is to fall through, despite the fact that we have a nice caring society.

I lived well. In Stockholm city. It was not super cool, but it was special. In Stockholm's tallest tower. I the middle of it. Around Medborgarplatsen where the Tower stands, many homeless people move. I saw them. And used to wonder how they had managed to become homeless? How the hell are you in Sweden? It must depend on themselves, tänkte jag. Not that I did not feel compassion, tvärtom, but I had too little knowledge of life and society to understand how such a terrible fate could befall people who, behind all the dirt and cold damage and bad teeth, looked like anyone else.

Men nu vet jag.

I'm not there and I will hopefully not end up there but I will have to live with this shattering anxiety all my life and I will never get my home back., like the home I fought for and created. It is not good to live with this anxiety, it is not constructive, there is nothing that makes anyone happy. So I have to relate to it all in a way that is as gentle and constructive as possible. Make me as free from it as possible, although there are heavy conditions. If I can not make myself mentally free in any way from the torment of practical economic conditions, everything will be blocked in my mind. Then I will not be able to write new books and movies. So I will not earn a penny. I will also not be a bit fun to deal with. In that case, it will be my quiet downfall. Then his deed has defeated me, then I have lost. And to realize that is also something I have to master mentally in the best way, so to speak. I must therefore try to relate constructively to the realization that I must relate constructively. It's a lot of steps 22 here.

So now I will soon approach the book again. It makes me nervous. That's why I'm writing this. (Here, at is, on my blog I have a small room, a DIFFERENT than the professional writing. )  I want to be in the freedom I have had for a few weeks, which is just one now, which has been simpler and which has felt around the temples like a dream, like a wind of something, as a memory and an expectation that no longer really exists,  who has reminded me of something that could have been and that would have been if I had not met the perpetrator, that day in Allhelgonakyrkan on Södermalm… 

You have no idea what the beginning of this story from reality is!  Now I actually felt like writing the book again! A brief moment! 

The apples are not ripe in the long run, but they fall down from the hundred-year-old trees as the wind shakes the branches. Not very violent even. They fall anyway. There is something about them where they lie that reminds me of something that is felt in me. But I do not want to see it that way. I do not want to see it as a lot of concentrated life force in me and my life has fallen to no avail.

But damn how difficult it is to approach the book again. I have the end left to write. But the end is far. Before I took time off, I just arrived at the day when everything started to fall apart and some in my vicinity started to pull out of me what was going on and what had happened. I was terrified – terrified – to tell and that fear lasted for a very long time.

Phases, no but a thousand too! What fucking shit! Jag har klarat det. And I will write that book and it will come out and it will give redress to others, so many others, thousands of thousands of others. And understanding. Knowledge.

That's what I hope! I've heard so many stories now, when I myself have told, so many and DE have not been able to get redress in court and DE have not been able to crawl back because DE have not written a diary while what DE was exposed to was going on and therefore they feel deeply confused, deeply misunderstood, deeply and mortally offended and wounded. It's for THEM I'm going to write this book. I already know that. Det vet jag. One day I'm done. One day it will be printed and I hope it will be the cover I want. Forward. This is important! 

A few more days off… then fucking!