Shame

Hello friends,

I have received so many reactions to the book The Destroyer and to interviews and they are there 99 percent positive, if it is now positive that the subject of the book exists at all. It seems to do so to a great extent.

I can now state that the book has helped save people, I know that after correspondence with unknown people – and that was what I wished the writing of hell could lead to. Mission completed.

What strikes me, surprises me and irritates me is that both in some reviews and in some presentations it is said that I have felt ashamed. This careless statement applies to everyone – alla – who are exposed in destructive contexts, at least if the contexts are private. ( People are de facto also exposed by psychopathic people in professional contexts, but this seems to have been forgotten.)

It is always said and written, sweeping and obvious, that the victim, due to shame and guilt, lingers in his personal hell. In fact, I never understood it, not even before I saw this. How can the victim be considered to be in debt? Where does the debt consist? Debt???

And why is it taken for granted that those who are exposed are assumed to feel ashamed? Why? It is completely incomprehensible! Why is this repeated as an amen in the church – completely unreflected – of people who in other ways seem to be intelligent, even intellectuals? ( intellectual means that one ”has the ability and interest in thinking and analysis, often particularly philosophical and humanistic thinking” according to NE;s dictionary, thus a creative thinking )

The one who makes mistakes is the one who should feel ashamed. This has probably been learned since childhood? But is it in this context implied that the one who is exposed by others is the one who makes the mistake? This would mean that the child who disturbs the whole class and pinches little Elsa who is forced to sit next to him in order to have a calming effect should not stand in the corner of shame, but little Elsa will do it?

It is not shame and it is not guilt that keeps people in abusive situations where they lose themselves. It is not shame and guilt that prevent them from signaling strongly enough for others to react. It is not shame that makes them silent. It's despair. Fear. Horror. Phase. Fear. Responsibility for others you want to protect. Responsibility for children who may be in the relationship. It's exhaustion. This is because you no longer trust your perception, their ability to think in several stages. It's because of a threat, a diffuse, terrible threat always guards one, and if you make a mistake – and what is wrong is decided by the perpetrator – it is enforced. It is because you have a NOW that must be solved continuously. A NOW that you have to manage to get to the next NOW. It is because one lives in a state of uninterrupted latent panic.

When people ” outside ” of course claiming that it is shame and guilt that keeps the vulnerable in their vulnerability, it is actually like giving them an ear file. It's like saying ”Back! Into you cave again, out here in the light we shout shame and guilt, shame and guilt to you!”

Nobody in hell that things like this are about, would even have time to feel ashamed. ( if it were the case that the feeling was reasonable ) It's so far away that it's almost like flirting and if you can think of flirting you are not so deep in the shit.

Skamidén is a remnant of some kind of handicapping masculine dogma about the relationship and status between people. He who is not impregnable and unwavering must blame himself and be ashamed. For the norm, the only one that works, is that never, not a moment fall – at least not so that anyone notices it. The scam is used as a means of power. And behind ”the shame” abuse and human abuse can continue, for the victim is not only chained by his perpetrator but also by the baldness of society ”shame! debt!”

Language is important. The words shape our thoughts – and vice versa, words preserve ideas and ideas, phrases block healthy movements. Phrases like ”it is the shame and guilt that kept her going” clogs the airways. I want intelligent people to think this through, before they automatically repeat this old oppressive lock ”truth”.

Many victims also use the word ” shame ” when they explain what they have felt, or feel. They can say that they feel ashamed of their own, those who belong to their world, those they love and long for. But when I ask if it's really true, everyone answers no, that's not true – it is the despair they feel. Desperate fear that those they love will not love them anymore, do not receive them, do not support them, because they have come across a man who has entangled them, förlett dem, disassembled them, perhaps crushed them. Men ”shame”- the concept is the description that is closest at hand, naturligtvis, because that's it all ” outside” claims – with the greatest obviousness! That is what we have learned.

I remember when I came to the chief doctor at the psychiatric clinic after we had reported and I slowly began to grasp piece by piece what happened to me and tried to get the pieces together. I was in shock and sat crouched on the chair and he sat opposite and said a lot of wise things like I was in good company, there are so many who are exposed to psychological violence, of all varieties, seduced, cheated and devastated and he said I have to remember that most people are GOOD. But he also said something that I remember that I did not recognize at all. Han sa ” I understand that you are faced with great shame.” I remember looking at him and trying to find the feeling in me, but could not. So I thought maybe this is what I feel, the confusion and fear, is a shame? Although I define shame as the feeling you get when you do something that you know is wrong, or obscene, or that one could do better. I could not recognize this dramatic ” shame”, but maybe I was ashamed to feel ashamed and tried to deny it? Men nej! It was despair! Abyss despair!

I get really tired when I read that with shame, in connection with my book. Some people who have written about the book completely sonic apply it to me and claim that I – just jag – have felt it in the situation I was in. I think anyone who is in a similar situation now, who begin to feel the courage to stand up, to sound the alarm, to go – who recognizes herself in my book or the interviews and understands that she / he is not alone, that this is something that is going on all the time, that the perpetrators act in much the same way and the victims react in much the same way and that the only solution is to escape – that you back off when you get the words SHAME and GUILT in your eyes when you read about the book. It becomes counterproductive. Little pity.

Nej, I did not feel ashamed, and I was not going to let myself be carried into such an idea as others put on me. I was going to explore the idea in my little way and did not hesitate to answer unknown people on the train or in other contexts who asked conversations where I was going, or lived, or did. I said as it was, instead of slipping under a tarp and cuddling in shame, to see how the strangers reacted. Would they treat me with contempt, with looks and comments to remind me of my shame? Nej. No one did. And nine out of ten said they knew of similar fates in their vicinity, or maybe even had experience themselves.

No one who is exposed should feel a moment's shame for having ended up in a situation where they have methodically been deprived of the opportunity to have control over their existence.

I know I felt ashamed at first. That was a lot, very early and it was quite fleeting. I was ashamed of myself, I face me, because I realized I could not handle the man. And I thought I should know. I would have had to go outside then to ask for help. I did not, because I thought I would be strong and fix it on my own. Där, in the purple beginning, I felt ashamed of myself.

But not only. At the same time, I felt a great, trembling and anxious responsibility for the man's paternity, his children he fought for – for their vulnerable situation. That's how it is. When you can still save yourself and really have enough clarity and power to do so, even good pages have already been put to use. It is always the good sides of people that are abused by this type of perpetrator. But there is a time when one should have done differently – if you had known who you were dealing with. You do not know that.

But if you have read The Destroyer, you may at least bring a little more material into life, which might help a little. But SHAME should only be felt by the perpetrator. Unfortunately, they do not, it is included in the personality type. If the shame must land somewhere, it can land in those who may have seen signals and not acted, but rushed in behind the idea of ” INTEGRITY” instead. Perpetrators have many weapons. One is ”offrets skam” and another is ” integrity”.