Christina Herrströms blog

After the articles about the destroyer and the book came out, I have received emails every day from people I do not know. Mostly men, but also women, who have been or are currently exposed to a person with psychopathic traits.

I also receive emails from brothers, systrar, barn, parents and friends of someone who seems to be vulnerable. Many ask for advice.

Before I forget, I want to imply that I also receive emails from people who are not at all vulnerable and have not been near it, but who still thank me for thinking they understand more of this phenomenon after reading the book- and that's very good.

But when it comes to advice… many say that it has now gained energy to report, but how great is the chance that prosecution can be brought? I do not know because I am not a lawyer, but when I reported 2014 in any case, the police were not at all interested in the sections from my diary that dealt with his mental degradation of me, even though that was the precondition for him to be able to take any power over my decisions at all. Under normal circumstances, I had never in my life lent any money, it was all a result of me being in shock after my dad's death, and that the destroyer made sure that I did not have peace to ever recover, inte en enda stund. He lived with me, because he was homeless with his child ( though it then turned out that he rented an apartment for the entire time he was ” homeless ” and could not leave )- and I work at home so he was in the middle of my workplace too and had every chance to process me and wear me down. Nå, this was not the police's interest in, nor that he resorted to milder physical violence from time to time- even though it was the method of seizing power.

So what was prosecuted? Only the transfer of money was prosecuted. And because I could prove he had misled me – thanks to my diary entries where I wrote what I thought it was all about. And because the financial police's analyzes clearly showed that he had not done a single bit of what he made me believe, with the money.

But if I had not had my notes, I would not remember what he had said, because he said so much and because he ruined my thinking ability and was about to obliterate me.

So my not particularly thrilling advice is that the person who is exposed should write a diary , or write down simple memoirs. And keep these in a safe place. And that if money is transferred always write what you think it is about, what the circumstances are around why one makes these transfers. Otherwise, you can record things if you dare and record conversations in secret if you dare. All this is dangerous because it indicates that you distrust the person in question, but if you can do it, of course it is very good.

When you have to report, you have to get help from someone else, tror jag. Someone who is not completely exhausted and confused and has almost lost his brain, someone who can help one to bone out and be objective. The notification must contain as many facts as possible. If you have mail, sms, receipts for transfers and the like. Everything ” fact ” as one has come to life are surely lies that suddenly seem completely improbable, but what you have been preoccupied with and believed you should write down. You do not need a lawyer to write a report, you can do it yourself and then you simply go to the police with it and hope to be questioned. If the police decide that there is sufficient evidence for the person to be convicted, a prosecutor is involved. Then maybe it will be prosecuted.

When you are in court, you do not need to see the person in question, but you can be in separate rooms. And you have to prepare properly for this occasion, for the only thing the court judges by is what is said there and then. It does not judge on the basis of interrogations or preliminary investigations, nothing is implied. You have to make clear what is important to get across and then make sure to get it said, there and then – it's the chance you have. It is unfair, because the situation can be scary, but one can be sure that the accused is articulate and has explanations for just about everything. Therefore, you must be prepared and preferably have practiced if you are not used to speaking in front of people who listen without touching a mine.

If damages are awarded, you will never get it. The destroyer was sentenced to pay back everything with interest, but I will never see the smoke of it, because he has no assets, which is probably the most common when it comes to criminals. Then you simply have to try to cope, it's up to everyone, society abandons victims of this type of crime and one is thrown out on the other side. You can contact the bailiff yourself who will make foreclosures on the accused, but for the most part there is nothing to pick up.

When you are in court, you should bring as large a support team as you can. You should not be there alone. You simply should not keep quiet. You should tell all your friends what you have been through and they should accompany you to court and show ; ” we know! ” You should NOT keep quiet and now that the book The Destroyer exists and there has been a lot of attention around it, it is certainly easier to TALK ABOUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED and NOT BE SILENT.

You need help in the form of therapy calls, you have to reckon with that. But as I said, you should not keep quiet in front of your friends and family. You have no reason to be ashamed, tvärtom, alone, one has been struck by something that is not recognizable or predictable or manageable. You have to talk about it, everyone is probably wondering! You get the best healing from knowing others and you can talk about it, twist and turn it and marvel at how this kind of thing happens and how creepy it is. The only thing that people of this kind can not handle are true deep relationships. Real relationships. There is power to be gained. if you have lost your relationships while you were exposed, you must try to reach out to them again, you probably get them back when they start to guess what you have been exposed to. If they do not understand, they get to read The Destroyer so maybe they have a little better idea what systematic abrasion of the psyche means, and how lonely the prey is in that battle.

One thing that is decisive for the victim is that the environment DOES NOT JUDGE. You must NOT say ” What did I say? ” or unnecessary things like ”I felt that he / she was weird from the beginning!” for WHAT does it matter when everything is late? And probably the victim felt it too, but these people are extremely skilled at manipulation.

You must ABSOLUTELY NOT say ” But how fucking stupid are you?”… or yes, you may be able to say that, but you must immediately take it back or at the same time say it with emphasis” I want to do everything to help you!”. One must NOT judge the one who begins to turn to one, for it may be sending the straight path to suicide. You who have not been through something like this have no idea how fragile it is and how incredibly hard you have had to fight to even dare to think the thought of asking for help. You just have to say ” I WANT TO HELP YOU!” Everything looks strange and incomprehensible on the surface, first of all, so one understands that such a reaction ” but what the hell, how stupid are you?” is the first in the environment, but it is dangerous. The effect of several months of wear and tear, latent or open threats, Confusion is a concrete situation that seems completely crazy, but the way there… the way there…. it takes time to unravel and you have to have respect for it. The victim has been through hell – a hell – and when it is discovered, that person is probably in a panic and still completely indoctrinated by what he was fed with intensely by his destroyer – and may be willing to run back – or out to die. The best is if you can move the vulnerable / exposed far away from the perpetrator as soon as possible. You can not write a report or start telling if you are afraid that the person will show up at any time.

One may wonder whether it is worthwhile to report if the chances of prosecution are small, but you must always report. Puzzle pieces can fall into place by many registering.

Then the long road back begins.

Everyone wants it to go fast. But it does not go fast. You have to take small small steps and you have to do most things yourself, but then it is important to have told EVERYONE so that EVERYONE knows. Then you can do it! And one day that time will be a thing of the past.

Now the book The Destroyer has been out a little more than two weeks and many have read the interviews with me in M ​​Magazine, Femina, SvD, DN and DI and a lot have also had time to read the book.

It's amazing when I hear from strangers that they have read them extensively 587 the pages. They have barely been able to put the book away. I get dull and … ja, glad. Because what I thought about most was how I would pack all the material I had. How could I describe what has happened so that others can keep up and understand how such a mental wear and tear goes and can read everything? Because it's a long event, for several years!

That a purposeful abrasion of the victim's psyche and existence is the weapon that these people use to access what they want; – it can be assets, positioner, sex or just the satisfaction of ruling another human being- is something that is generally not known. You read or hear about someone who has lost a lot of money ( everything is measured in money, though it is usually not the worst, or even the main thing ) and thinks but GOD what an idiot!!!

The background, the insidious conscious game that makes this possible, I have some insight into through my experience, and that was what I wanted to portray. Knowledge is needed there! As long as people just shout in horror ” herregud, which pucko!” or similar when faced with a story about a person who has lost his life, people with psychopathic traits will be able to continue their duties quite carefree. The victims of them are punished twice, just like victims of sex crimes, when the environment is filled with contempt for the one who has been ravaged, obliterated, mentally abused. It's ignorance!

Probably not many people have been victims of purposeful mental abuse in their home , also workplace, who can tell you what has happened. I wrote The Destroyer only for the reason that my heavenly story could benefit others. Not to focus on this particular destroyer – there are hundreds of thousands, yes millions because about two percent of us have strong psychopathic traits and there will always be and people will always fall victim to them – and I did not write to put myself at the center. I would have preferred not to have the book with me because reality is so much more complicated and goes on uninterrupted, than what can be portrayed in a book and precisely because I have to simplify everything I risked to appear as .. stupid! But I had to, I felt it my duty, to tell based on my experience, to spread knowledge.

The material was of course endless, for how do you describe even the simplest situation that is so filled with a thousand signals and a thousand small decisions? To make it possible to tell and follow, I have of course cleared away 99. 8 % of reality. And since as soon as you have seen the book's title you know that the Other will be a destroyer, there was no point in trying to check out the reader in the same way that I myself was checked out.,exhausted and confused on the way to the fatal loans. ”Is he good or not? Is he reliable or not?” a technical grip I could have had fun with, but it would have been completely pointless because everyone already knows that he is the sneak in the book. In addition, it had cost a hundred more pages and no one had been able to follow it. You want to move forward in the actions! I have to ensnare the heroine( jag ) in the story fast and I did ( the author). I have also tried to create a logical line where it did not exist in reality to make it possible to read it all. The logical line had to be the flow of money, because that was what was prosecuted and most concrete. Nothing else was concrete. But money was not important while it was going on. A skilled psychopath distracts his victim from his own case. His case included money, but if he had been as clear as the author( jag) to the book did not have the victim( jag) happened badly! Okay, then I have to put up with being perceived as a bit blown away by the readers. Better that than putting on another hundred pages that embody the confusion, the exhaustion and all the other commandments and things I have to deal with incessantly. But it's not that fun anyway when people say ” But oh that she does not UNDERSTAND!” och ” I understood LONG before YOU realized he was going to fool you!” And such. It's not fun for my vanity and dignity. But under my vanity, I can still giggle a little at it, because it's a bit comical to others ( några ) says they understood long before I understood that he would deceive me. In fact, maybe it means that I have managed to write so that you forget that it is a conscious word processing of what happened and then you have to call such comments a plus!

Apart from that.

During these two weeks or so, I have received several letters a day from unknown people, who have taken the courage to read the interviews or read the book. Who no longer feel completely alone. Who understands that what they are exposed to or have been exposed to is like a template that can be applied to almost everyone who has been exposed to a person with psychopathic traits. They act in much the same way and the victims react in much the same way. The terrible thing is that the silence around this phenomenon and the ignorance of the common man becomes like a shield behind the abuses can continue. And when people have managed to get out, they are silent. So there is not much knowledge about it all.

Those who write to me now understand after reading the crucial; they are not alone and do not have themselves to blame. They have been unlucky enough to get in the way of a single goal bulldozer: take what they want because they think they are entitled to it.

Most vulnerable men have written to me. Most of those who have written are or have been exposed by women. How likely do you think it is that people believe in these men?? A man who says he has been abused by a woman? mentally and also physically, despite the fact that the man is usually physically stronger? Perpetrators with psychopathic traits are never guilty. Everything is always the fault of others. Perpetrators with psychopathic traits have the gift of speech and explanations come to them at the right moment. They can also play as human as they like. How sad and sad and wounded and scared at any time. They understand empathy. They feel nothing. And you automatically think that it is the woman in a relationship who is exposed. How big is the chance of being believed, if you are a man in such an intricate, difficult-to-interpret drama that lies so hidden in darkness and silence and ignorance? A vulnerable man has even more to fight against. And often they do not have as deep relationships with children and friends, that women have. No wonder the men who have been exposed, devastated and wiped out often choose to take their lives. But then the perpetrator is not around. Women's lives are also shortened by these crimes, but the perpetrator has long been busy in a new arena. And the story is not told.

I'm not surprised it is 80 % men who have written to me and asked for advice. Or written just because it's the first step. To tell someone for the first time. Several have written that they have now been given the energy to make a report. But what can you report?

Can you report that someone has kept you awake at night so that in the end you can not think clearly and just say yes to anything to get to sleep? Can you report that someone claims that you have done or said things that you have not done or said, so much so that one finally begins to doubt oneself – so-called gas lighting? ( efter Hitchkocks film Gas Light)

Can you report that someone confuses and tires you out with intense talking while trying to stay awake after constant sleep deprivation? And that the talk contains contradictions, the whole behavior is contradictory, that nothing lands, that nothing is calmed, that there is a diffuse threat beneath everything – or do not? Have you misunderstood everything?

Can you report that someone is playing one against your nearest and dearest? That someone makes sure that you miss all meetings? That someone is withholding information?

It's enough to keep someone awake. With that you get very far, hör ni ni. Try for yourself! See what happens to you when you are never allowed to recover! How many days would you endure with a constantly talking loud person in your vicinity who circled closer and closer and nagged? But can you report it?

Nej, most things that people of this kind do to break down and access what they want, can not be prosecuted.

Nevertheless, you must report!

In any case, the book has already fulfilled its mission. It helps people who need all the help they can get. Then I have to put up with seeming blown like ”grounded by a clown”. It's worth it. Phases, what it's worth!

Now is the time, för mig, suddenly become a bit like waking up walking in soft grass, wet from the night dew. You hesitate before putting your sleepy naked foot down in the grass, but when it does, one is filled with a strange, surprised feeling. Aha, is that how it can be, is it so nice and beautiful, is it so it is not to feel hunted?

It's been so long since I was free. In the head. It's been so long since there was a day in front of me that could offer what it wanted. So long ago I could feel calm.

But now I have done what chased me, it chased me almost as much as the time during ”the power of the destroyer”- nej, it is not possible to compare- men ändå, it has been chasing me, this to be able to write the book. Trying to explain how extremely manipulative people with psychopathic traits – in the absence of affective empathy but gifted with cognitive empathy – obliterates and destroys its victims. I would not rest until I had gone through my thousand written pages – where a huge thinning and sorting of reality has already taken place – and somehow got control of them so that it could be a text possible for others to follow. It has almost created panic in me, ibland.

Completely voluntarily, I have let my mind be occupied by all that is some of the worst I have been through – and the worst thing about it is that it's so hard to explain ! – for two extra years, Daily, from the time I woke up until I fell asleep exhausted. But I knew I could not do otherwise. Because if there is to be any meaning to what has happened, is that I can write a book that can help others. Which can help lift the shame from the victims, which can help others to redress and which at best can save others from perishing. So there was a joke that it was I who happened to this particular person. Because I, in any case, have a slightly greater opportunity than the one who is not a writer to describe it.

He made the right choice in most ways when he chose me. I was a persistent prey. He used my honesty, empathy, my perseverance. I'm probably his most successful catch. Men ändå… it was not really well thought out maybe to choose one that wrote down a lot in my diaries. I did not do it out of disbelief, mainly , but mostly to try to orient myself.

Now the book IS!

I have received the first copy in the mailbox and am slowly beginning to understand it. And along part of the process, but only in recent years, I have sometimes expressed my anguish on Facebook and received so much support and strength in return! and now… now I am moved and grateful that so many express joy for my sake, because this book actually exists! I am lucky, for alone I had perished completely. No one is strong alone.

There are heroic tales, but no one is strong alone. But to be alone with a beast in human form – for that is what a human being becomes without affective empathy but with ambition and drive – is a safe way to go under. And making one's victim alone is part of the method of seizing power. Så, let's not abandon each other! Lift your eyes and look into each other's eyes, please hold.

Men, to work on the book, this absolute necessity – also became a capsule. I did not have time to be human otherwise, just a little! Now it's clear and I'm taking my cautious steps in the morning dew. Out of the shadows.

It sounds dramatic. It's not that dangerously dramatic. But on the other hand, life is actually dramatic, even in the small. You can still admit that. We are not safe. We do not know how well anchored we are, we just think we know, but if the boat shakes, it is easy to notice how everything changes. Minimum shift, the slightest movement must then be interpreted, remeasured. It can be about simple things, as the different gaze of a loved one. Or that someone does not answer. Our lives are made up of millions of tiny little building blocks that we soon take for granted. Så är det inte. Så… ja, it actually feels like gently putting my bare feet in the dew, in the grass that is still in the shade, gently lift your chin and see that the day is beautiful and that it seems to be in front of me in some kind of temporary calm.

Det är bra. Getting there.

One thing is for sure. Regardless of my ambition and effort and perseverance in writing the book, I would not have survived everyday life without the three-year work scholarship the Swedish Writers' Fund gave me 2018. It had not helped to have supportive loved ones and close ones, it had not helped to get continuous therapy, it had not helped to be able to handle the words and the language in bright moments, it would not have helped to be the admittedly exhausted but still stubborn writer's soul I still seem to be… NOTHING had helped. Without the Authors' Fund's three-year scholarship, one thing is certain: I had perished. The destroyer had silenced me.

The book, Ödeläggaren, on the way.

A couple of weeks ago it was sent to the printing house and I changed something a couple of hours before. It's been a tough job. Tungt. distressing. But also exciting.

It has been exciting – and awful – for myself to bone up how things went, how the psychopath gained power over me. It has been exciting and awful to see his method, his plan and everything I could never comprehend and understand no matter how hard I tried. There was not in my world that everything could be games.

In order to be able to describe what has happened at all, I have cleared away most of it, all wrong ways, siding, all the contradictions and other things that he bombarded me with for days on end and just tried to keep me on track in the story, so that it should be possible as a reader to follow what is happening. I have sorted and cleaned until my eyes bled to be able to carve out a somewhat understandable path. But really, everything was much more complicated and complex and confusing than in the book and it is simply impossible to describe it. No one would be able to keep up with the text.

I understand that there are not many books written from the victims' point of view because you as a victim lose your ability to think. You stop trusting your perception and your conclusions. You lose your orientation and start to trust the perpetrator more and more. It's part of their method. They all seem to have gone to the same school, but they know this by themselves and have usually trained for a long time. I could barely write the book, I felt such pure physical resistance to dealing with all those words that he forced on me and dismantled me with and which at the same time was the only thing I could stick to, while everything was going on. But it is completely understandable that no one has had the strength to write about their similar experiences before, because it is almost impossible. I have apparently succeeded quite well, but I will always still feel that I have not really been able to convey it all. It is simply not possible.

The purpose of writing The Destroyer has been to provide other tools. And restoration. All the others who have not had 23 diaries and thousands of emails available. And have not had the space in the world to write a book. I want others who have been exposed to have a greater understanding of others – and feel greater respect for themselves. For the truth is that each of us who has been exposed to a person with psychopathic traits, has continually tried to make the wisest decisions of the moment. Alla, each and everyone of us, have struggled alone to try to understand what is going on.

There is an agreement between us humans, which is fundamental and completely self-evident, which we never reflect on. Like if we are standing at a pedestrian crossing and a car stops for us, we know we can go over safely. we do not think that the unknown person behind the wheel will accelerate and drive over us just when we are most unprotected out at the crosswalk. But that's what this type of perpetrator does, destroyers do. For them, there are no agreements, no reciprocity, nothing implied conservation and protective.

The book has been read by a few paragraphs and I was not prepared for the reactions of others. For me, it has only been important to finally get ready so that others can understand how such terrible and devastating abuses take place. – those that happen all the time in silence and where the victims often remain silent and feel ashamed – and I have actually not thought so much about the fact that I end up in focus with the book myself. That was not the purpose. But it will of course be so. I was not prepared for the strong reactions I have received. Those who have read are extremely upset. ”You probably do not understand yourself how striking your story is”, said my publisher the other day. Nej, det gör jag inte. Partly because I still suffer from what is called ” normalisering” can I believe, but also because I am used to the situation now and can not see it from the outside with the same horror. But I myself get very shaken when I see how shaken others become. I simply have not really understood what I have really been through , yet I have written about it and gone into it again – despite not really understanding how awful it is!

Then I think of all the hundreds of thousands, millions of people who have been and will be exposed – and how lost you feel, how empty and black and hollow even the interior becomes, how lonely you are then when you get out of it precisely because no one can really understand what has happened to you, and you can never really explain it. I can not imagine a worse nightmare than to carry all this and never be able to tell about it. Not even for himself. Because you have lost the orientation on the road and the brain… for psychopaths primarily attack one's brain. Everything is there but it is so much and has happened on so many layers and levels – they use everything they can to take power over another human being – that it is not possible, can never find the words. In addition, it is precisely the WORD that has hurt one, who has worn one down until one has lost oneself.

So then… then I hope that my book The Destroyer can be useful to others, for all the others who have been through similar, for all those around them who may understand a little more and who may be able to look at their loved one with greater respect and tenderness ; for the victim has fought a lone fierce battle against a monster, a giant, and waged a struggle every moment which unfortunately is completely impossible to win. The only thing you can do in a meeting with a person with psychopathic traits is to lose, lose, lose.

I have not won either. But I have written the book. And it's on its way to the counters.

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Now it was so long ago I knåpade together a blog that I forgot how to do, but I have at least been able to establish – to my surprise! – it fairly well attended, though I never write!

The last six months I puffed out. It was those tinderbloggarna – on my few visits to the dating world as completely drained me. It got so incredibly tiresome consequences, det där, and it was such a hassle to have to see naked uninvited men pose in combination with the never-ending never-ending ordströmmar in the attached email. I just felt ” I can not take it!” When I thought of myself contribute their own ordströmmar, in a place like this. But now I have reloaded!

Det närmar sig, good people, the day I can say ” soon ” about my next book publishing. I have written in the autumn clear, from beginning to end, in what I sometimes call it tenfold CRIME. In my tome of nearly a thousand pages is to say all the shots. Now just to edit, polish and refine. It has been very hard at times to have to go back and drill perpetrator rampage. At times it has been exciting, so that I barely been able to sleep with a desire to continue the next day, because now it has been me who took command and seen through the psychopath sneaky behavior. But there have also been days when I have hardly been able to breathe, literally, and had to break off one of the tranquilizers I got , When I eventually sought help. And when it has gone far, when I feel compelled to resort to such means. I really felt trapped in the material, during periods, as if I was caught again. TO WHAT USE?

Often, When I suffered from the draining recall woes, I have asked myself the. Why do I do this? Yes, but I know. But is it worth it? Will it be worth it? Det vet jag inte.

I write the book about the psychopath acts against me for others to obtain redress. Most are so dismantled, devastated, confused, weary deep that they can not account for what happened. So who should understand them? Perhaps their nearest overlook their misfortune, but they can understand them? Can you understand himself while methodically mangle down to crushed, of a psychopathic human?

Because I wrote 23 diaries while it lasted – My attempts to orient myself and in my attempt to make me feel safe and comforted me in the end – I have been able to recapitulate the sequence of events. This together with some documents and e-mail made it possible to prosecute and convict him. He got three years in prison. After I talked to the District Court heard one of the lay off of me and said that hen finally, after many cases of a similar kind, understood how these things go to. Usually not their prey talk, explain, account sufficiently coherent and informed in order to be able to trap the perpetrator, who always has an answer for everything and is very wordy and manipulative, even before Ms. Justitia course.

Alltså! I write the book to give all the others who have experienced similar ( and there are MANY ) upprättelse. And for all the ( majority) who think they are safe. And for all who encounter victims of these perpetrators professional. Sometimes when I have not been able, when I felt no I do not want this, I thought of one or two of the stories I have been told – after being told little – of both women and men who get a lot worse than I. And that could not sign, and not been able to explain, and that in one case simply ended at home, destruction of all that he. For them I write this book. GOD WHAT IT HAS BEEN HEAVILY! But I feel it is my duty.

Now I think in any case that it brightens soon. Starting about now, I have two sounding boards, my publisher and my editor and it allows me off the ground. Their involvement helps me to motivate me, I do not have to carry everything yourself! HURRA! We will be crafting the! Jag längtar.

And today is the first Advent. I have julstädat! Nå, not as a mother or grandmother, standing on stools and cleaned the cabinets of pages and so, but. And hung up Advent stars and picked up the Advent candle and lit the first candle. And hope that it will be a new appointment to the earth soon, where people rise above the low, grim, short, violent, cynical and are generally the finest that the human soul and the human intelligence can be. So it will light to this divine creation that our earth is. I do not believe in God in the form of any one religion ( if pantheism) but I really think there is something indescribably divine over , i, by the existence. How would this earth else could be so amazing and endlessly ingenious, and so beautifully balanced – that it is no longer then men began to ravage without soul and without long-term smart thinking. It is terrible that the worst is in man. All the very very worst that you do not want to touch with his mind, all that is in people. And all the beautiful! Really indescribably beautiful! I light the first light and the hope that love – på riktigt – love all the good levels – will soon rule over the poor soil.

Thanks to all of you who follow my blog. Spread the warmth. It is wise. Especially in the dark.

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